Pity Party

I think I'm ready to talk again. I haven't been for a while. I've felt so negative about... well... everything that I really didn't want to infect others with it. But I'm ready now so here goes.

About a month ago we had an outreach training with World Impact and I had really been looking forward to it. I was excited to see how many people would show up, what God would do while taking the new recruits on outreach with us, and to see who would end up joining our team. Things were going well as the day approached. Wedding planning was (and still is! Two weeks!) going smoothly, time set out for Jesus was a regular part of the day, and my excitement for the ministry was as present as ever,

Then on my way to LA, something happened. I stopped by a food establishment (one that I shouldn't have stopped at anyway! No fast food Jen!) and I got a look. Yup, just a look! That's all it took! Some random girl I have never met and probably never will see again decided to stare me down with a mocking smile. I checked my teeth for food, my nose for boogers, and my hair to make sure it wasn't standing up in some way. All good. But for whatever reason, this person decided I was a good target to make herself feel better about herself.

It worked. I cried the whole way to LA wondering what was wrong with me and almost turning around at so many points on my drive. I decided I hated people. Why do I want to minister to others when people are all so cruel?

I somehow got myself to outreach and with my sad and hardening heart, I put a smile on my face and led a team out. It was horrible. To the few people we did meet I had nothing to say. I let the new recruits step in where I was lacking. We meet the sweetest woman who had such a gentle spirit and kind smile and yet all I could think is 'Who was she mean to today? Why am I here??'

Because God will be glorified regardless, outreach was still a success without me. But the desire to ever go back was gone. I missed going. I missed my friends. But I didn't know how I could go back with such an attitude toward people that wouldn't leave. Luckily with wedding stuff, showers, and other busy-ness, I never had to make the choice of if I should go with my attitude or not. God knew I wasn't ready, so He made sure of it that I couldn't.

The attitude remained. I would get cut off on the road and it would increase. The hatred. My time with Jesus... almost non-existent. My fiance was the best support as he continued to encourage me to be in the Word. I rarely did it, but appreciated his gentle nudging.


Then it happened. Today.

My mom sent me an FB status that a friend of hers had posted. It read:

"In the Atlanta airport. Just saw a total gangsta - pants sagged down to his knees, pick stuck in his hair, tattoos everywhere, headphones blaring - help a little old white granny figure out her gate and boarding pass. And then? I hugged him and told him he was precious. Yes I did. This is a true story. I am a freak."


In one small glimpse, I was reminded that there is good in people. It has nothing to do with what the guy looked like; for me, it had more to do with proving to me that people are still worth reaching out to.

But they should have been seen that way anyway! And not because there is good in them, but because God has so much good to give to us! He was spit on, abused and killed and yet still reached out and loved there very people who did that to Him (Us!)


And there you go. That's how God knocked me out of whatever stupid, selfish funk I put myself in.

And to that girl who looked at me funny and started this whole darn thing (ok she didn't... I did... but still), maybe I will get the chance to hug her...

Oh and to my outreach compadres, sorry! Miss you!