Running

Late last night, I returned home from 4 days in Palm Springs for the Resolved Conference. 4 days of spirit-filled messages and amazing fellowship with my brothers and sisters all in the middle of sinfully hot weather. It was great!

On this extra day I took off from work, I have been reflecting a lot about what we learned about this weekend. I realize it might take me about 10 more blogs to go over all of it, but one thing that has really been amazing to me is how I have changed since last year's Resolved.

On Friday night, Rick Holland taught about the "Distance of Divine Transcendence" and the "Nearness of Divine Imminence." In other words, God is too far to get to and too close to run away from. It's this tension we live with but then Jesus comes and closes up the gap.

I have been thinking about how last year when I went to Resolved, I may have not realized it - or maybe I didn't want to admit it - but I was trying to run away from God. I had so many things getting in the way of having a close relationship with God, and, in some ways, I didn't care. And then I knowingly went to a conference with the theme of sin, but hoping I could continue my life with the purposeful sin in it. Such a silly girl I am...

But then this year, after a year of God moving in my life, catching me dead in my tracks in my race from Him, turning me around, and putting me in the right direction, I now find myself on the side of running after Him. It's a strange but wonderful place to be. In some ways it's almost scarier than running from God because I now have to face all the dirt in my life; look it straight in the eye. But it is so comforting to have a saviour who allows me to come to Him and who washes that dirt off.

Last year I left Resolved feeling broken, dirty, and crying out to Jesus for Him to take over my life. It was right where He wanted me.

This year, I left Resolved feeling refreshed, clean, acceptable, and rejoicing because I have a Saviour who has made me, the dirty broken sinner I am, one who is now clean and acceptable before God. He is so good!

Hallelujah! All I Have Is Christ!
Hallelujah! Jesus Is My Life!

Rubbing Milkshake into the Wound

Last night I had a rough night. I left work early to make it to church in time for a class I have been wanting to take. I gave myself more than ample time to leave work, make one errand, go home for dinner, and go to the class. The plan... MY plan... was fool proof.

As time moved, and traffic didn't, I realized I wasn't going to make it. I was SO frustrated! So much so that I freaked out. I had a nice cry in my car on the frozen 5 and then (brace yourselves) I got off the freeway to get a large chocolate shake and western cheeseburger with extra BBQ sauce from Carl's Jr. Yes... I was THAT upset! I didn't care. I was justified to have a 'freak out' moment. I was frustrated!

Frustrated that nothing was going my way.
Frustrated that traffic did not obey my rules so I could keep my plans.
Frustrated that I had already missed the last two weeks of the class I was trying to make it to.
Frustrated that I was single. (and why not? Might as well be upset at everything that I felt was wrong in this world, right?)

And?? I was frustrated that I was frustrated!

I got home and threw the equivalent of a 3 year old tantrum in my head. I complained about my life not being the way I wanted it to be to God, dragged my feet around the house, and nursed my upset tummy from the milkshake and greasy food I ate. Sulk sulk sulk...

Then, of all books, I picked up my current read: "Respectable Sins" by Jerry Bridges. Ironically (or not), it was the chapter on Anxiety and Frustration. Here's what he said:

"Frustration usually involves being upset or even angry at whatever or whoever is blocking our plans. ...This type of reaction has its roots in my ungodliness at the moment, for at that time I am living as though God is not involved in my life or my circumstances. I fail to recognize the invisible hand of God behind whatever is triggering my frustration. In the heat of the moment, I tend not to think about God at all. Instead, I focus entirely on the immediate cause of my frustration."

Wow... all in one move, I was convicted, mourned over how sinful I was, and ran to Jesus in gratitude for His forgiveness. My "respectable" sin of getting frustrated could not be respected by me any longer.

Thank you Lord for your conviction. The more I see my dirt, the more beautiful you become to me! I thank you that you are behind and in control of everything, even the traffic and everything else that triggers my frustration. I know you are in control of 'my' plans because...

"All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." - Psalm 139:16

P.S. The next chapter in the book is on Discontent. No doubt I have another roundhouse kick to the head coming tonight!