I realized with all the bookkeeping and projects I work on at home, something was severely lacking. With having a degree in business and being in the business world for quite a few years, I knew that one of the first steps to being 'successful' was to have a good workspace. Working off a bombay chest and the bottom shelf of my book shelf wasn't the way to go. I needed an actual desk.
I set out to find something simple. I have limited space so I looked for something within the dimensions it would fit as well as in the price range I was willing to buy in. It didn't take long til Target came through with a desk that would not only work, but that was pretty too!
I started thinking of how I was going to go about getting this desk. It was heavy so I would need help getting it into my cart and into my car. I had never really assembled a piece of furniture on my own before so I might need some guidance with that too. I started thinking:
"Well I could always have Brad go to the store with me with his truck."
"I'm sure mom or Ron could help me assemble it."
But the more that I thought of options of who I could get to help me, the more a feeling of pride rose within me:
"No Jen. You can do this yourself. You don't need others. You don't need a man. You're an independent woman!"
As silly as I knew this quest for claiming my independence through a desk was, nothing I could tell myself would change my mind. It was settled. I had to do this on my own to prove, if only to myself, that I am an able person and can do things on my own. I don't know where this came from. I really don't. But it was there and that was that.
I went to the store and
humbled myself enough to have a store attendant bring the desk out to my car... yes my little Yaris, telling myself it still counted as doing it on my own because I had to get the guts to ask for help (Seriously Jen??)
Two days later when I had free time during the weekend, I started working on assembling it in the garage. I had plans in an hour but I naively believed I could finish it in that amount of time.
Two and a half hours later, I was frustrated, had scratches on the desk that, turns out, was a two person job to assemble, had a sweet guy wondering where I was all this time... and yet, I still wouldn't ask for help. It wasn't finished, but I would finish later... on my own.
I later on joked with my family about the pride that caused me to do this all on my own, but it wasn't till later that I realized how ridiculous I really had been.
I was so set on being an 'Independent Woman' that I missed out on some amazing blessings and the chance to bless others:
*I have a family who loves me, who takes care of me, let's me live at home, and would have loved the chance to help me if I had asked.
*I have a really great guy who enjoys being creative and working on projects. He waited patiently for me to finish this desk, while I could have had him join me to spend time together while completing it.
*And, most importantly, I have a God who I can't do anything without. I can't come to Him without His grace, I can't 'succeed' without His will, and I can't even breathe another breath if He chose not to give it to me.
Independence? Is that really something I want?? I think not.
But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble."
- James 4:6
P.S. Although it is now a symbol of my sin, check out my cute desk! :)
Update: Check out this quote I just found!
Tim Keller: “One of the principles of love—either of love for a friend or romantic love—is that you have to lose independence to attain greater intimacy.” (Reason for God, 47)
