When My Heart is Faint...

"Hear my cry, O God,
listen to my prayer;
from the end of the earth I call to you
when my heart is faint.
Lead me to the rock
that is higher than I,
for you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the enemy." - Psalm 61:1-3


I feel like I have been surrounded by a lot of pain and death lately.

A couple weeks ago, I had two coworkers lose their mom, one coworker lost her brother (the second brother of hers to die in the last few months), and then another coworker was in the hospital with a blood clot in his lungs. This all happened within days of each other. That same week I had received an email from my good friend in New Mexico to pray for a friend of hers with cancer and for a newborn who had little chances of living long.

In the midst of all that, I had learned of the bombings in Uganda. My friend Lena is in Uganda and turns out the little restaurant that was bombed was one of her favorite places to go to. If it weren't for a head cold, she would have been there that night. I have never been so thankful for head colds!

And then of course there is Daisy. A sweet little 6 year old who had been struggling with cancer this last year. As of a few months ago she was cancer free, but just within the last couple weeks, it came back full force. She is now going through chemotherapy and is down to 36 pounds. She can hardly keep food down anymore.

Additionally, as of last night, there have been three fires in our area. One even less than ten miles from my house. People are losing their homes.


This isn't to be depressing or to be morbid. This is just life. Sometimes everything is beautiful and there couldn't be one complaint. Other times, like now, it seems like everything is crashing down around us and there is nothing we can do about it.

Or is there?

Daisy's father, Britt Merrick who is a pastor in Carpenteria, wrote a book called "Big God." Neglecting all my other book commitments, I decided last night I needed to read it. A father who watches his daughter suffer and all the while writes a book about how big and amazing our God is? That's worth my attention.

Here's what he says:

"When crisis hits, where do your heart and mind turn to? What do you do as a Christian when the doctor tells you that your five-year-old daughter has cancer? How do you deal with that? If you're a Christian, your mind goes to Jesus. That's just where you go."

We run to Jesus. We run to His Word. We run to His Word because we already have it hidden in our hearts...

"Precepts and passages came quickly. And we didn't even have to open a Bible. We didn't need someone to come along and quote Scripture to us. It was just there, because we had done one simple thing in life: we had committed to reading our Bibles...

"Have it in your heart and have it in your head. Let the Word of Christ dwell richly in you. Because when someone looks you in the eyes and says your five-year-old has [cancer]... you better know some Bible."


Thank you Jesus for your word! "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." (Psalm 119:105)

I thank you that when my heart is faint, "you keep count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle." (Psalm 56:8)

I thank you that "as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are YOUR ways higher than my ways and YOUR thoughts than my thoughts." (Isaiah 55:9)

and I thank you that we can "count it all joy when we meet trials of various of kinds, for testing of our faith produces steadfastness... that we may be lacking in nothing." (James 1:2-4) I lack in nothing with you Lord!

Day 10 - James

Day Ten of reading the book of James Completed: At work (shhh...)


Thoughts:

"James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, To the twelve tribes in the Dispersion: Greetings." - James 1-1

A servant of God.

Could I honestly say that about myself the way he can about himself?

Contemplating...


Goal for tomorrow's James reading: Not sure. I think I will reread tonight actually.

Day 3 - James

Hmmm... Usually I only blog a few times a month. This whole reading James everyday thing is going to make me an active blogger... weird!


Day Three of reading the book of James Completed: During my lunch break

Thoughts: Third day of reading... I think I am ready to zero in on some things that stood out to me today.

(Anyone reading this - the two of you, mom and Courtney lol - can just look up the scriptures referenced. It would take up too much room to include it all.)

2:1-7

I might be taking this section in a direction that I shouldn't, but while reading it, I was thinking about how I usually have the opposite problem. While I love being welcoming to people less-fortunate, I am less likely to be welcoming to someone who has a lot of money. I think to myself that someone who has a lot of earthly possessions sees no need for God, so what's the point? And that's so wrong of me!

Also, sometimes I am judgmental towards Christians who have especially nice things. I wonder how much those things cost them and think of how many kids around the world could be fed with that much money. But let's face it... I don't buy myself a lot of nice things but am I feeding tons of kids everywhere? Nope. My only two kids in Africa hardly even get letters from me... sigh. But either way, it's not up to me to decide what others should do with their money. Stop judging Jen.

3:1-12

Yesterday my reading in "Respectable Sins" was on 'The sins of the tongue.' Along with this passage, I was hit hard by how often I let myself fall into gossiping, especially at work. Also, I was thinking about how easily I say things without thinking of how they can hurt people. Whether it is with good intentions or not, I shouldn't have said it. A few months ago, I was talking about a friend who has quite a testimony and I said something about one of the sins that was true, but I worded it completely wrong. Months later, I came to find out that one of the people who was present for that conversation used to struggle with that same sin. NO! I felt like such a jerk. There's again my judgmental attitude coming out. Yikes!

3:14-18

The chapter before the sins of the tongue was a chapter on jealousy and other similar sins. This brought it all home.

4:2-3

So often we will take one part of a verse like, "You do not have, because you do not ask..." and decide that we just have to ask God for stuff and He will give us everything. But then we continue reading where it says, "You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions." ...Oh... that makes more sense. Ouch...

5:14

Anointing of oil... why don't we do that anymore? Or if people do, they are considered some sort of charis-maniac or something. That seems wrong to me. Hmmm... (Oh! I just realized I have never written about my friend Bobby and his gallons of baby oil to anoint... EVERYTHING! LOL My heart feels happy just thinking about him. For a later blog... hehe)

Goal for tomorrow's James reading: mmmm not sure. I liked this during my lunch break. Same plan for tomorrow. :)

Day 2 - James

Day Two of reading the book of James Completed: before bed time :)

Thoughts: I feel like I just read a completely different book! It just goes to show how easily I get distracted and can 'read' something without actually knowing what I just read. Also, yesterday all the 'popular' passages stood out to me. Today it was like all the 'non-popular-non-quoted-in-awana' passages stood out now that the popular ones were... ummm... out of the way? Anyway, I was amazed at what I read!

Goal for tomorrow's James reading: Read during lunch maybe... I am getting tiiirredddd...


P.S. Speaking of lunch, yesterday as I was waiting for my chicken sandwich at a new local hot spot called 'Juicy Burger,' I saw a guy walk by with a 'slice' of pizza the size of his head. No joke. And? He was one-handedly attempting to eat it as he walked down the sidewalk. It was quite a sight to watch! Ha!

...

...

Ok ok so you had to be there. :P
(this is why I need to go to bed earlier...)

Day 1 - James

On top of my new commitment to my book club, as well as reading Jonathan Edwards (which I don't want to give up), reading "Respectable Sins" (which I really shouldn't give up on until I am done), crocheting scarves for the girls (for when it gets cold, of course hehe), I have made yet another commitment. Oh yeah and don't forget I have to catch up on my bookkeeping for After Hours. But anyway, this is my new commitment...

For the next month, through August 18, I have committed to read the entire book of James every day. Why? Because it's God's Word! Pfff... such a silly question... oh and because *everyone else* is doing it. :P

So there it is.


Day one of reading the book of James Completed: during my lunch break.

Initial Thoughts: It is difficult to read through the whole thing and not want to stop and camp out on one thought, but I like the idea of reading the entire thing so as to understand what the goal of the entire letter is. Not to mention, my guess is I may have the book close to memorized by the end of the month. I like that!

Goal for tomorrow's James reading: Give myself more time to read it and do some research on James himself.

Fighting Despair

I had one of those moments yesterday when you know you're supposed to say something, not sure exactly how to say it, but you know you have to... and you don't. Instead, you politely nod your head, smile and change the subject. That's what I did.

WHY?

I was so disappointed in myself. I walked away from the situation with a big lump in my throat wanting to cry. I felt like through my silence I had not only missed a wonderful opportunity to share Christ's love in a new way, but through it, I had actually denied him. I couldn't shake it either. I was 'in the depths of despair' in every sense of the word.

BUT God knew I would be reading "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers (my book for the book club I just joined) and that yesterday's reading would include February 18. Less than an hour after my 'lack of faith' moment, I read this:


"The sense of the irreparable is apt to make us despair, and we say - "It is all up now, it is no use trying any more." If we imagine that this kind of despair is exceptional, we are mistaken, it is a very ordinary human experience. Whenever we realize that we have not done that which we had a magnificent opportunity of doing, then we are apt to sink into despair...There are experiences like this in each of our lives. We are in despair, the despair that comes from actualities, and we cannot lift ourselves out of it."


I'll admit... when I experience something and then a book describes to me EXACTLY what just happened, it freaks me out a little bit. It really does. That is, until I remind myself that God is sovereign over all things, including the book which will come my way and I will end up deciding to read for the month. Then? Then I am comforted beyond belief. God knew I needed to be reminded that He sees our despair and that it will be a normal part of living life as a person who let's God down. And yet, while we are falling in the middle of it:


"Jesus Christ comes and says - 'Sleep on now, that opportunity is lost for ever, you cannot alter it, but arise and go to the next thing.' [Matthew 26:46] Let the past sleep, but let it sleep on the bosom of Christ, and go out into the irresistible future with Him."


A reminder I needed. So while I still look upon that moment and cringe and am tempted to kick myself over it, I have to remember to look forward and keeping going.


Arise and do the next thing... Never let the sense of failure corrupt your new action.

Reading, Reading, Reading!

I go through these spurts. At times I can hardly find the time to read. Other times, I can't get enough of books! This is one of those times that I can't get enough. I feel like 'Number 5' in the movie Short Circuit:

"Need more Input! Need more Input!"




In the process, I have a new appreciation for dead guys. Not in a creepy sense, but in that I love the old writers... the way they talk, the type of insight they provide, and for those that walked with Jesus, the fact that they have now finished the race and are up in Heaven eternally praising our Lord... Love that!

Of the 'dead guys,' I can't seem to get enough of Jonathan Edwards. He rocks! At first the way he wrote really intimidated me, but the more I get used to him, the more I love his writing style! I also love the way God is showing me more of His glory through Edwards' writing. It's been such a neat adventure!


Speaking of dead guys... I have never been huge on Mark Twain (no specific reason) but today I gained a new appreciation for him because of a 'simple' quote:

"I haven't any right to criticise books, and I don't do it except when I hate them. I often want to criticise Jane Austen, but her books madden me so that I can't conceal my frenzy from the reader; and therefore I have to stop every time I begin. Everytime I read 'Pride and Prejudice' I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone."

- Mark Twain, Letter to Joseph Twichell, 13 September 1898


Now don't get me wrong... I LOVE Jane Austen. But this tickled me regardless. I think he will be next on my list of 'dead guys' to get to know ;)

Being an Edwards Girl

We often study Proverbs 31 as the example of what a woman of God looks like. In the same way, Jonathan Edwards, as he explains his romantic love for his to-be wife, gives a beautiful picture of what a woman consumed with love for Jesus looks like.

If someone wrote this about me? I'd say I had finally become the woman God intended me to be. What an example!

“They say there is a young lady in New Haven who is beloved of that almighty Being, who made and rules the world, and that there are certain seasons in which this great Being, in some way or other invisible, comes to her and fills her mind with exceeding sweet delight, and that she hardly cares for anything, except to meditate on him — that she expects after a while to be received up where he is, to be raised up out of the world and caught up into heaven; being assured that he loves her too well to let her remain at a distance from him always. There she is to dwell with him, and to be ravished with his love and delight forever. Therefore, if you present all the world before her, with the richest of its treasures, she disregards it and cares not for it, and is unmindful of any pain or affliction. She has a strange sweetness in her mind, and singular purity in her affections; is most just and conscientious in all her actions; and you could not persuade her to do anything wrong or sinful, if you would give her all the world, lest she should offend this great Being. She is of a wonderful sweetness, calmness and universal benevolence of mind; especially after those seasons in which this great God has manifested himself to her mind. She will sometimes go about from place to place, singing sweetly; and seems to be always of joy and pleasure; and no one knows for what. She loves to be alone, and to wander in the fields and on the mountains, and seems to have someone invisible always conversing with her.”

-Works of Jonathan Edwards

Motivation Check

Tomorrow we are going on Outreach again (as long as Daryl feels well enough... poor guy has been sick lately!) and I am super excited about it! We didn't go last week because most of us were out of town. As much as I enjoyed being at Resolved and getting a time of relaxation, I really missed being out there!

Additionally, we have been seeing the same girls the last few weeks so I am excited to see if we will see them again tomorrow. That's half the battle with this ministry. Sometimes we see a girl we have seen before but there will be a few weeks to a few months in between each sighting so it's really hard to develop relationships with them. All we can do is pray that the one brief visit will plant a seed. BUT when we see them every week, it opens doors to develop trust with them! I'm excited to see what God does tomorrow night!


Funny, I wasn't going to go this route with the blog today, but something I read in a Piper book just came to mind. It's kind of applicable to this... kind of not... but I will make it work ;)

John Piper wrote in A Godward Life:

"The effect it has on me is to make me want to love like Jesus loved and not always be thinking of the earthly payoff. Face it. A few kids are cute, but most streets kids will be thankless, rude, dirty, diseased, scar-faced, shifty-eyed, lice-infested, suspicious, smelly, and have rotten teeth. If we minister mainly for the earthly payoff, we will burn out in a year.

Jesus did not say, "True religion is converting orphans." He did not say, "True religion is making orphans mature and successful adults." He said, "True religion is visiting orphans." Results are God's business alone. Obedience is ours by his grace. More specifically, by faith in future grace. Perhaps when we grasp this, we will be freed from our earthbound way of thinking and released to minister to the ones who are least likely to thank us."


Perhaps God brought this to my mind just now because as excited as I am to see some of the same girls, should we end up seeing all new faces and not one girl we know, I will be tempted to let myself get discouraged because it didn't go the way I had hoped. But as this quote says, "Obedience is ours by his grace." Whether or not we get the 'results' I think we should get, I need to be obedient and do the work He has called me to do, cheerfully, thankfully, and fervently.

I need to keep this in mind. It is only with this attitude that I can be "released to minister to the ones who are least likely to thank us."


Sorry for the weird shift in this blog. I guess even in my excitement, I sometimes need to be stopped in my tracks and reminded why I am doing this in the first place. Not for my own personal enjoyment or satisfaction... but for Jesus, for His Gospel, and for my obedience to Him.