7 Days of Denial

During my year at Hope International University, the dorm leaders challenged us all to a '7 Days of Denial.' This meant, basically, a fast. A couple people actually did fast from food, but most of us fasted from other things. Some of the guys from video games, some other people of things they felt they spent too much time on, and a bulk of us girls fasted from... GASP!... looking in the mirror! It was something one of the leaders was feeling convicted of, so she challenged us to do the same.

At first I didn't think it would be a big deal. "It's not like I look in the mirror that much anyway..." I thought... Boy was I wrong! With a school filled with mirror-like windows on the outside of every classroom, I realized quickly how much I looked at myself. It was so easy too... my reflection was so accessible. It only made sense to look at it! I found myself walking with my head down often. I also had to take the stairs every where too... Our elevator had mirrors on the inside. The first time us girls tried to take it during that week? We screamed and ran! Yes... have fun with it if you want... I DID scream when I saw myself!

As the week came to an end, I learned a lot about trusting in God, not worrying about my outward appearance, and time management. And yet, part of me still wondered what I would look like when the week ended. I went a week of no make-up (funny... now I hardly wear it anyway...) and letting my hair run wild. The first time looking in a mirror? It was anti-climactic. I was still the girl with frizzy hair, chola-eyebrows, and braces.


But I look back on it now and I think about what happens when we don't look in our 'spiritual mirror' for a while. I know this sounds corny, but stick with me here. (haha... I accidentally typed 'stink with me' instead of stick. That made me laugh. Ok sorry. Squirrel moment.) We often talk about the Bible being our mirror, showing us how dirty and filthy we are without Christ. James 1 talks about the dangers of looking in the 'mirror' and not changing our ways. And another type of mirror? Things that challenge us. Marriage. Coworkers. Difficult situations. Missions.


I am trying to not only keep up with The Very Worst Missionary but also going back through her older blogs. In an attempt to waste time this last hour of work (shhh... don't tell my boss. He will have to take a break from forwarding chain emails to reprimand me... hehe), I decided to go to her very first posts from about 3 years ago. Her first post was from the day they left the states to move to Costa Rica as missionaries... and I was a little surprised at what I found. Being used to reading posts by a brutally honest, smart-mouthed, jaded woman (and I mean that in the best way possible!), I was taken back to find a woman who was still upfront, but slightly timid, extremely grateful, and gentle in every way. Not that she isn't grateful now, but, well, she wrote like me. Not feeling completely free to say exactly what she wants to say the way she wants to say it. And when it comes down to it, I bore myself. Sure I write about things that convict me (like she did and still does) but I don't slap people in the face with it like she does. Had my first time reading her blog been like how it was in the beginning, I probably wouldn't have been hooked. I don't need another me.

But then I started thinking about the difference between her blogs then and now. I wondered, "Am I going to become like that? Is that what missions does to you? Do you turn from someone who is excited about the Lord and expectantly waiting on what He has planned to a person who is bitter about the way the world works, about Christians in churches, about the people you minister to?" It scared me a little bit. While it would make my blog more exciting, do I want to have this jaded perspective of God's people?

I was brought back to what a new friend told me the other night. She had spent 6 years with World Impact and was telling me what to expect, what to consider during this application time, and what she loved about it.


She told me, "If you want to know what a horrible and dirty person you are, join World Impact."


If I am completely honest with myself, I am a super bitter person. I get angry with politicians (both sides!) and people who cut me off on the road. I look with disgust upon church-goers who raise their hands to Jesus when I know the cruel words they speak about others. I get upset when my 4th-6th graders don't take the Bible seriously and I wonder if the church is going to go down the drain. I pridefully want to ask the girls on the street how they could let a man control them and why they aren't more grateful of the efforts *I* am making to reach them.

I am super bitter. I don't need to go into missions to become a bitter person. Neither did my 'Worst Missionary' friend. She was already there. I am already there. I need missions to show me my bitterness. I need it as my mirror, like my school filled with mirrors I can't avoid. I need it so that I can finally look it in the eye and decide what I want to do with it.


Hi. My name is Jen. And I am a bitter, wretched person.

And let's face it... so are you.