Too Many Excuses. Too Little Time.

Last night I stayed up into the wee hours of the night working on my application for World Impact. And in all that time, I got half way through page 4... of 30... and this was just the easy stuff (but to be fair, I didn't start til almost midnight). Next to come are all the essay type answers I have to write. It's going to be quite a process, but I can already tell that God is going to stretch me as I complete this application. Having to face my past and write it out on paper, having to describe in my own words who Jesus is, what the cross is, what the church is(to name a few) to me, having to not only describe my ministry goals but also why (that's harder to answer than you think), plus MANY other things... it's going to be a growing process. And that's just the application to be considered!

Through all this though, I have been thinking about the last two years since I made the decision to *someday* be in the mission field... thinking about what has occurred, what God has lead me through, how I have tried to run from it in various ways, and some of the reasons why I ran. Here's what I came up with...

Reasons people who are called to be missionaries don't become missionaries:


1. Am I really "Called?"

I don't know how to describe it, but when you're called, you're called and you know it. But there are times when because of fear, we wonder if we really are. Perhaps things aren't working out the way we think it should so we doubt God's sovereignty through trials and His leading throughout the way. But when we finally sit down, search God's word, and pray, we know. I don't know how to describe it except... Divine

(Any reference made to anyone who is called is not to put them on a pedestal. And any reference made to anyone who does not feel called to missions is not to put them lower than those who are. God has a different purpose for all of us and if we were all called to full time missionary work, who would be in workforce supporting the missionaries? Not to mention their ministry to coworkers and to those around them. That is their calling and it's just as divine an appointment as uprooting and doing full time missionary work. What a good God we serve who allows us to serve Him using our gifts and desires!)


2. Fear

There are plenty of different fears we encounter when God is calling us to something. We fear it's not actually God's will, we fear what others will think, whether it be people thinking we are crazy for doing it or people thinking we are failures if it doesn't turn out as we hoped, we fear we will be wasting our time or God's time... yeah... lots of fears...


3. Money

One of the main things that has been holding me back from applying sooner for World Impact is the fact that I have student loans to pay off. The actual raising support doesn't bother or worry me... if it's God's will, He will provide the funds. But the thought of having my supporters pay for my debt for a degree I didn't finish? It feels funny.

But then last week I was talking to one of our pastors. I mentioned the reason for my hesitancy regarding my loans and having others help pay them off. Given that he is paid through the church, he then said, "Well who do you think pays my debt?" Hmmm... good point. Perhaps I need to just not let my pride get in the way of letting people help me? Perhaps...


4. Unequally Yoked

In the last couple years, I have found myself in relationships with guys who either are not called to full time missionary work or just really don't have a reverence for God's work in general. Without getting too far into the discussion of being unequally yoked in marriage to a non Christian, I will say that I believe it's even possible for two Christians to be unequally yoked. I never felt right being with someone who didn't want to go into missionary work, specifically inner city missionary work. While I was open to where God might be leading if that meant to follow a husband elsewhere, I knew deep down that I still belonged in the inner city. To be married to someone who is not in missions would be heart breaking...

However, I still found myself in such relationships and it made me doubt God's calling on my life. The desire for intimacy and to be married became more of a priority for me than what God was telling me and I was quickly ready to decide that I wasn't called to missions for the sake of not 'being alone.'


5. Desire for Marriage

On the same token of being unequally yoked, I know of a handful of people (specifically girls) who fear that if they go into the mission field, they may never meet anyone. "Perhaps God wants me to not go so I can stay here and be a wife and mother," they say (and I have thought myself). This is definitely valid and it is possible, but I think one thing we are forgetting is that if God tells us to go, we need to go!

One thing that finally got this idea out of my head was when I was talking to the pastor I mentioned. He told me about a conversation he had with his daughter who also wants to do missions. She said she feared she would marry someone who didn't want to do missions and he told her straight out that she would be miserable if that were to happen. Then he said this, "But where would be the best place to meet someone who wants to do missions?" The Mission Field! Duh Jen! It's so simple but I have never thought of it that way before! Don't go because I might miss out on meeting someone here? That's absurd! God's will (my singleness or someday marrying) is not based on if I stay in Lancaster or if I go elsewhere... it is based on if I stay in His will, wherever that is! That's it!

Oh and just to be clear, I am not saying that someone should go on the mission field with the purpose of meeting someone. Not at all! I am just saying that wanting to meet someone shouldn't be a reason to not go. You trackin' with me? ;)


6. Education (or lack of)

I never finished my Bachelor's degree. What if I can't be used unless I have it?

"And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, 'Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?' Then I said, 'Here am I! Send me.'"

- Isaiah 6:8

It doesn't say, "Who has a degree and is equipped with amazing amounts of knowledge and experience?" God just asked, 'Who will go? Who is willing?' Whew. Thank you Lord. Send me!


7. Prior obligations

I have a job. I book keep for After Hours. I reach out to the girls and guys on Friday nights. I have various ministries I take part in at church.

A lot would have to be done to make sure these responsibilities are taken care of by the time it is time that I leave them. It will be a God thing to have them all taken care of perfectly so that I could leave with peace and not with the feeling that I am abandoning them.


8. Family

I have:

parents who I can talk to about virtually anything (James 5:16 will do that to you... most humbling thing ever, but then after that, what do you have to hide?)

siblings who are close and we work on keeping it that way

a sister-in-law who is like my own sister

a niece and a nephew who are beautiful beyond words and I love watching them grow up

...and many other people who I can't imagine not having close by.

Am I willing to miss some special moments with my special people for the sake of the gospel being known by people who are strangers to me right now?



There are so many things to consider and so many reasons that we use to excuse ourselves from doing God's work. I don't want these excuses to be mine anymore!

Lord give me strength. I don't pray that any of these obstacles will be removed, but that You will be most glorified as you give me the strength to stand strong in the face of the obstacles. Thank you for your calling to do your work!

You want me to go where?

Have you ever used a pit toilet before? Something like this?



(You thought when my subject line said 'go,' that it was going to be about God leading me somewhere type of thing huh? Silly...)


Ok ok so this isn't about pit toilets. They are gross anyway.


Remember about two years ago when I was praying about applying with World Impact? I put a hold on the process to move home, get some things (specifically financially) taken care of, and to see where God was leading. Well, I finally decided to take the crazy step of applying! I still have to tackle about 30 pages worth of questions, but I am excited that I am actually going to do it!

So where does God want me to go? Inner city here I come ;)


P.S. Just so the whole pit toilets thing doesn't seem completely out of nowhere, I went camping this weekend so I became very much acquainted with them. Eww!

Day 31 - James

Oops! Looks like I haven't blogged about James in a while... and today is the last day!

Reading through the same book every day was a really neat experience. I don't think I have ever done that before and spent so much time in one place. I think the most I did was I read Hebrews every day for a week. It's so crazy how it can still be so fresh everyday and there are always new things to learn from it!

While reflecting over the last month, my friend Jackie, the one who encouraged all of us to read James every day, wrote this:

"I just finished Bill Hybels' book "The Power of a Whisper" and in it he writes about hearing the voice of God. He writes at one point about the times when we start to feel spiritually dry. He said that it is in those times that he "gets stuck" in scripture. He said that there have been times he would stay in Proverbs... or Acts 2 or another book for weeks--just waiting for God to speak to him. He said that one time for his personal daily devotionals he stayed in Romans 12 for A YEAR. Wow. I was so encouraged when I read that, I think I fell asleep with a smile on my face."

Wow! I guess I know what book I will be reading next!

And as far as scripture goes, I am wavering between Romans and Daniel to read every day this month. Maybe I will do both. Stay tuned... ;)

Friday the 13th - Outreach

I've been really bad at blogging about outreach lately. People ask me how it goes and then I direct them to the blog that 'I will be writing soon' but I never do. Oops!

To start, here's how my Friday went (this may end up being long winded - forgive me - but who reads these anyway? Hi mom and Courtney. You better comment! haha):

I met my dear friend Kathy for breakfast at 6am yesterday. When I first got there, I was the only person there along with the waiter who had worked all night. You could tell he was tired and had a boring night. We talked about his evening, about the idea of being paid to do nothing and it being overrated, and about having to sleep during the day after a night shift like that. Soon after, Kathy got there. We were pretty much the only people there for quite a while and our poor waiter seemed to enjoy listening in to our conversation as his only form of entertainment at the time.

After breakfast, I headed out to work and decided to listen to a Mark Cahill sermon that I had listened to a couple years ago but for whatever reason I decided to listen to it again. It was about witnessing and about using EVERY opportunity to share Christ's love with people and His gospel because you never know how God could use one short conversation. I thought about our waiter. I had a good 5-10 minutes with him before Kathy got there (I was running early for once lol). Why didn't I get deeper with him?? Convicted, I wrote Kathy an email as soon as I got to work telling her that I want to start praying about how God could use our early morning breakfasts to reach people. I have let so many God-given opportunities slip through my fingers. I don't want it to happen again...

Reflecting on our waiter and on the sermon through out the day is what prepared me for outreach that night. I kept thinking about what we do out there and the importance and urgency of making sure these girls (and guys) know exactly what God wants them to know. And turns out, in all God's sovereign graciousness, my heart wasn't the only one God had been working in about it. When I met up with the After Hours team last night, one of the first things Daryl said was, "We need to start bringing this to the next level." And he was right. We have gained the trust (somewhat) of these girls and they are familiar with us because of the gift bags. Now it was time to start bringing more meat to the streets.


In all, we talked to about 10 girls. Most of them knew who we were and were more than comfortable enough with letting us give them a gift bag. It was when we started to get a little more personal that they started to get a little uncomfortable. Trying to figure out how to 'bring it to the next level,' I followed Jen's and Daryl's lead as they began to ask the girls more questions about their time on the streets, if they have a pimp, and what they would rather do if they weren't out there. I had never thought of what a personal question that must be to them, to have to remember back to their childhood (but most of the girls are still children anyway!) to the dreams they used to have.

When life has become such a mess, those dreams get pushed as far out of your head as possible so as not to hope for things that seem untouchable. It made me sad to think of these girls who at one point did have dreams, possibly to be doctors, lawyers, astronauts... and now they find themselves, working for a 'boyfriend' who doesn't really love them and doing things they never thought they would do. Holding on to those dreams would only be torture.


I now sit here in my comfortable bedroom, reflecting on the night and on the dreams I had growing up. Sure, living in a beach house with my best friend as we do investigative journalism together never happened (wow the things kids come up with), but I can look back on those 'dreams' with fondness. And I can look forward to the future that I have when I see Christ in all His glory. And focusing on Him daily is what makes every day a day for Him and his purposes. It's even better than any dream I could have come up with! I want these girls to have that too.

Are You Qualified?

I finished reading Big God and I loved every bit of it. Here's how he ends it...

"Rahab was a prostitute, Noah was a drunk, Abraham was way too old, Isaac was a daydreamer, Jacob was a liar, Leah was ugly, Joseph was abused, Moses couldn't speak well, Gideon was afraid, Samson had long hair and was a womanizer, Jeremiah and Timothy were too young, David had an affair and was a murderer, Elijah was suicidal, Isaiah preached naked, Jonah ran from God, Naomi was a widow, Job went bankrupt, John the Baptist ate bugs, Peter denied Jesus, the disciples fell asleep while praying, Martha worried about everything, Mary Magdalene was demon possessed, the Samaritan woman was divorced many times, Zachaeus was too small, Paul was too religious, Timothy had an ulcer, and Lazarus was dead!"

Think your past makes you disqualified to be used by God? Think again ;)

This made me laugh...

and... that's all...

Mornings are Lovely!

When I was living in Simi, a group of us would get together on Wednesday mornings at 6AM to pray. It was so great! It was tough to get up that early but being able to start off the day praying with my brothers and sisters (followed by a yummy french toast breakfast at our favorite place!) was the best! On days that I didn't meet them for prayer, I still found myself getting up extra early to pray, read, and even sometimes made it to the gym for a boot camp class. I would go to bed early (or earlier than usual) but it was worth being able to spend the early hours of the day preparing for the day to come.

Now? Now I stay up way too late, half the time is wasted, the other half is being spent with Jesus (but he gets a very tired Jen at that point), and I barely wake up in time to get to work on time... sometimes on time... :/ and looking like this...



Until this morning! Woot! Last night I was tired by 10 so I went to bed and woke up EARLY today. It was so great! I got to do a lot more reading done than I usually do in the late hours of the night and I got to work feeling refreshed and ready to take on the day! No wonder Jesus would pray in the morning too... it really does make a difference ;)

It's a small victory for me. But a victory nonetheless!

"Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days." - Psalm 90:14

Sometimes Kids Smell

"The effect [James 1:27] has on me is to make me want to love like Jesus loved and not always be thinking of the earthly payoff. Face it. A few kids are cute, but most streets kids will be thankless, rude, dirty, diseased, scar-faced, shifty-eyed, lice-infested, suspicious, smelly, and have rotten teeth. If we minister mainly for the earthly payoff, we will burn out in a year.

Jesus did not say, "True religion is converting orphans." He did not say, "True religion is making orphans mature and successful adults." He said, "True religion is visiting orphans." Results are God's business alone. Obedience is ours by his grace. More specifically, by faith in future grace. Perhaps when we grasp this, we will be freed from our earthbound way of thinking and released to minister to the ones who are least likely to thank us." - John Piper, A Godward Life


I used this exact quote once before, but it came to my mind again...

First, because I am reading through James every day for this month and every time I get to 1:27, it hits me. Hard.


Secondly, because my world was slightly rocked last night and this quote from this book immediately popped into my head and I had to continually repeat it to myself as encouragement.

It was at my 4th-6th grade class at church. No they aren't orphans (well... most aren't) and no they aren't "thankless, rude, dirty, diseased, scar-faced, shifty-eyed, lice-infested, suspicious, smelly, and have rotten teeth"... at least not all the time ;) (I kid I kid!)

What made it come to me was that it was a rough night with them (It was one of the first times too that it was rough which is pretty good after almost 6 months of being in that class... right? Either way...) A big part of it could have been my attitude and that I was pretty tired from the day. But also, it had to do with the fact that they kept talking when they shouldn't, complaining when they were hungry, fighting over communion cups, complaining when they were thirsty, cutting each other off, complaining when they had to use the restroom, tattle-telling, etc, etc, etc. Oh! and did I mention they complained a lot?? I understand they are kids and I need to be gracious, but last night, I just wanted to RUN! What followed was the conscious reminder that I had just recommitted to another 6 months of children's ministry... all I could think was, "what HAVE I done??"

But then I thought of what Piper said. "If we minister mainly for the earthly payoff, we will burn out in a year... Results are God's business alone. Obedience is ours by his grace."

I had to keep in mind that I can't be ministering to these kids because I think they are cute and fun and smart and whatever else because there will be times when they are NOT cute and fun and smart. There will be times when I just want to throw them (perhaps even literally) back to their parents, wipe my hands, and walk away. But if I am ministering out of obedience and because this is where God has me, then the motivation is different. I will take the complaining, fighting, and disrespectful attitudes with a better attitude because I won't be doing it to make myself feel good. I will be doing it because God loves it when we love His little ones.


Funny thing about all of it (maybe not "funny haha" though) is that I have been convinced my whole life that I DO NOT have the gift of teaching. I almost majored in math in college but opted out of that because I thought that meant I would have to teach math. So I chose accounting (did I make the right decision?? Hmmm...) I have built my life around (or so I thought) avoiding the role of teacher.

And yet, here I am. God asked me to teach. I warned him too... "Lord you know that's not my gift. But fine fine! I will do it! Sheesh!" (Yes... my attitude really does stink that bad sometimes.)

The most AMAZING part about that though is that while I still don't think it's my 'gift' and that I am still not very good at it, when we are obedient and do what God asks, God imparts the skills to us WHEN we need it. The fact that I can even hold the attention of 15 kids for more than 5 minutes is a miracle to me! And ALL the Glory goes to Him for it! Crazy how the very thing I never thought I could do God has equipped me when I finally took that step of faith and let Him use me!

So lesson of the weekend? Be obedient. Love the kids no matter how scary that is. And? Stop questioning!

"God doesn’t promise us understanding. He promises us peace beyond understanding. Trust more, question less." – Britt Merrick