A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words...

...and I have two to 'sum up' the latest happenings!

I might be really behind the times with this, but apparently Instant Messengers have this program where you can draw pictures and send them to each other. My drawings... BAD! But the one's I receive?

Jesus (football + GF) = happy BF!

In case you need clarification, I am 'GF' and somehow (miraculously?), I am included in the equation of making 'BF' smile...

Well, smiling is the goal, at least. But this might be reality for him once things settle in:

(That's him pulling out his hair. Poor guy... he has no idea what he is in for!)

My life in pictures... The End!

P.S. I am REALLY EXCITED!

True Love

I can't seem to get enough of Phil Wickham's music lately. Here's what has been stuck in my head the last few days ;)

Breathe Jen

It's amazing how life can take a turn... a *wonderful* turn... and yet I can still find myself freaking out.

Freaking out because I am afraid that I am going to mess it all up.
Freaking out because I am going to have to start being real.
Freaking out because "if it's too good to be true, it probably is," right?

So yeah... I'M FREAKING OUT!


Well, I was. Until I reminded myself (through talking and walking and praying it out) that I don't need all the answers and I don't need to be in control either.

Yes I AM going to mess it up.
Yes I AM going to have to be real... and it's going to get ugly.
Yes it DOES seem too good to be true, but that doesn't mean it really is.

And Yes... I need to trust that God knows better than me, that He is sovereign, and that when I mess this up (not if), He will use it to show His glory.


Phew! Much better ;)


Thank you Lord for not letting me be in control, for knowing me better than I know myself, and for holding me through every step of this crazy life! Oh and thank you for the comfort of Italian food and the talented hands who make it. I love the little blessings you give us along the way!

28 Days!

Nope this is not a movie review... I am celebrating 28 days (in a row) of being in the Word! This might seem silly to celebrate, but most Bible reading plans have never really worked for me. Usually I will do good for a week (MAYBE two) and then give up. But here I am, 28 days and going strong! :)

Thank you Jesus for your Word and for giving me the desire to dig in!

"We cannot worship a God we do not know. Worship is hollow if disconnected from Word." - David Platt


(If you want to check out this reading plan that even *I* can follow, go HERE!) :)

Amen

Psalm 25

Teach Me Your Paths
Of David.

To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul.
O my God, in you I trust;
let me not be put to shame;
let not my enemies exult over me.
Indeed, none who wait for you shall be put to shame;
they shall be ashamed who are wantonly treacherous.

Make me to know your ways, O LORD;
teach me your paths.
Lead me in your truth and teach me,
for you are the God of my salvation;
for you I wait all the day long.

Remember your mercy, O LORD, and your steadfast love,
for they have been from of old.
Remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions;
according to your steadfast love remember me,
for the sake of your goodness, O LORD!

Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in the way.
He leads the humble in what is right,
and teaches the humble his way.

All the paths of the LORD are steadfast love and faithfulness,
for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies.

For your name’s sake, O LORD,
pardon my guilt, for it is great.
Who is the man who fears the LORD?
Him will he instruct in the way that he should choose.
His soul shall abide in well-being,
and his offspring shall inherit the land.
The friendship of the LORD is for those who fear him,
and he makes known to them his covenant.
My eyes are ever toward the LORD,
for he will pluck my feet out of the net.

Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart are enlarged;
bring me out of my distresses.
Consider my affliction and my trouble,
and forgive all my sins.

Consider how many are my foes,
and with what violent hatred they hate me.
Oh, guard my soul, and deliver me!
Let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you.
May integrity and uprightness preserve me,
for I wait for you.

Redeem Israel, O God,
out of all his troubles.

But I NEED it!

Yesterday my sister and I were sitting in small group. I looked up at the clock when it ended and realized we still had about a half hour until church service started.


"Let's go get Starbucks. I need coffee." I said.

"Jen, you don't NEED it," Courtney replied, convictingly (yes I am making up words) "You just want it." She can be so annoying... (hehe)

"No... I need it!" I protested. But instead of running to my car, I let time pass and I missed my opportunity to get some yummy coffee.



Do I ever really NEED Starbucks? A $4 cup of water filtered through delicious dirt?

Did I really NEED the 4 books I bought the other night?

Do I really NEED to have lunch out every day, those cute shoes at Target, or to go to that really expensive hair stylist instead of Supercuts?



I'm feeling convicted today. And when I feel convicted, I start posting youtube videos that I have already posted 5 times before, but the kick in the head still hurts just as much.

After Hours Update

Written by Jen C

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry for the delay in writing this, there has been so much going on, it is hard to find time to sit and write.


I really just want to give thanks to the Lord for all that He has done and is doing...we have so clearly seen His hand in the last several weeks. I had written before about feeling like we were hitting a wall of sorts in our ministry, well that wall is a crumblin! I really believe it started in prayer several weeks ago. As a team we took time just to seek the Lord and His vision, He began to reveal to us our next steps but He also began to reveal to us things that were hindering. I was strongly convicted of pride, thinking I could do things on my own rather than seeking the Lord. As I and others repented of the sin God had shown us in our hearts and sought Him in prayer, we began to see a breakthrough. We were able to hear Him more clearly and truly many of the walls had come down.

2 Fridays ago we hit the streets again, this time it was just Daryl and I and two new friends from Kansas City, who are being led to start their own outreach. We were so blessed to have them out with us and the Lord (as always) did great things!

2 women in particular really stood out to us: A**** and E**** sadly, what I noticed about both was a sense of hopelessness as if every ounce of hope they might have had was stripped away by the pain they daily endured. Each girl looked as though she was merely a shadow of who she once was or who she was intended to be. I can hardly think of anything more devastating than the loss of hope.

A was very willing to talk and shared some about herself, she had been on the streets for a long time. I gave her all of our information and told her we could help her if she wanted to get off the streets. I then prayed for her and said goodbye. I have said a lot of hard goodbyes in my lifetime but the ones I experience on the street week after week are by far some of the most difficult. Everything in me wants to take the girl with me that instant, so that she will never experience the terror of what has become her life again.

When we approached E I saw the same look that I did in A...hopelessness. We asked her a few questions and then asked if we could pray for her and she said, "pray that I get off these streets". You may think that we commonly hear that but in truth, it is seldom spoken. So, we did pray and told her there was a place we could take her anytime and gave her our number and then without a word she slowly, dejectedly walked away. It was as if she was so hopeless our offer of hope overwhelmed her and not believing it to be possible she became more hopeless even in that instant. My heart broke, as did the rest of team's. We spoke for a few minutes about what the Lord was showing us in that moment and realized we may not have made it perfectly clear that we could help get her off the streets that night. So we piled in the car and drove down to where she was. Daryl rolled down the window and asked her if she wanted to get off the street tonight and she replied by saying "my mom is coming to get me right now". Well, who knows, maybe she did call her mom (although I highly doubt it) but literally just seconds later the police pulled up and stopped her.
We all looked at each other and realized that God had answered us, maybe not in the way we had hoped, but she was going to get off the streets that night.

It is quite common for girls to go to jail and a few days later be back out on the street, my prayer is that in E's case she will not even consider it and will find herself somewhere safe where she can begin a new life. It's not too much to ask, it's not impossible, in fact it is absolutely possible with the Lord and it is His will that she be free. It is God's will that these young women have great hope in Him and that is our heart's desire as well.

Please continue to pray that we would hear from the Lord not just in long term vision but for every single decision, conversation, prayer....everything. We can do nothing apart from Him.

Praise God for all the doors He is opening:
A partnership with the Walter Hoving Home in Pasadena
Our next training class and outreach with Reformation House of Prayer in Los Angeles (December 4th)

She did it again...

Because I don't have facebook anymore (I still LOVE being free from it!), this is the only way I can share things that have been really convicting for me and I can only hope my two followers get something out of it...

Putting down the chocolates...

Psalms and Isaiah

Psalm 12
To the choirmaster: according to The Sheminith. A Psalm of David.

Save, O LORD, for the godly one is gone;
for the faithful have vanished from among the children of man.
Everyone utters lies to his neighbor;
with flattering lips and a double heart they speak.

May the LORD cut off all flattering lips,
the tongue that makes great boasts,
those who say, "With our tongue we will prevail,
our lips are with us; who is master over us?"

"Because the poor are plundered, because the needy groan,
I will now arise," says the LORD;
"I will place him in the safety for which he longs."
The words of the LORD are pure words,
like silver refined in a furnace on the ground,
purified seven times.

You, O LORD, will keep them;
you will guard us from this generation forever.
On every side the wicked prowl,
as vileness is exalted among the children of man.

Psalm 13
To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.

How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, "I have prevailed over him,"
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.


Isaiah 12

You will say in that day:"I will give thanks to you, O LORD,
for though you were angry with me,
your anger turned away,
that you might comfort me.

"Behold, God is my salvation;
I will trust, and will not be afraid;
for the LORD GOD is my strength and my song,
and he has become my salvation."

With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation. 4 And you will say in that day:

"Give thanks to the LORD,
call upon his name,
make known his deeds among the peoples,
proclaim that his name is exalted.

"Sing praises to the LORD, for he has done gloriously;
let this be made known in all the earth.
Shout, and sing for joy, O inhabitant of Zion,
for great in your midst is the Holy One of Israel."

DELETED!

In light of my last post (wow did you really need me to link to it? Scroll down lazy!), I decided to kill a snake...


Over the last few weeks, I have been feeling convicted of some things:

1. I'm a bad friend. The 'Hi' 'How ya doin?' and 'Welp, I'm prayin for ya' (while all in passing) just can't be what God intended when He brought His people together to fellowship and encourage one another (Hebrews 10:24-25)

2. I'm a big ugly gossip. Need I say more? :(

3. I'm horrible at managing my time. I have started a new Bible reading plan and it's only made me realize how little time I devote to spending time in God's word. I need more!!

4. I'm prideful. VERY prideful. I constantly have to ask myself when I tell people about the After Hours Ministry (or blog about it): Am I talking about it because I am super excited about what GOD is doing? or to tell people what *I* am doing?? My motivation for sharing things about myself needs to be in constant 'check.'

5. I'm lazy. If something is going to take more effort than a simple task would, I will either procrastinate or just not do it at all.


Interesting that during this time, I would come across this: Social Media and Digital Discernment (It's long... but even 'lazy me' got through it.)


OUCH Pastor! Way to go with the 5 finger death punch to the heart!


That's when I killed my snake: I deleted my facebook. And I feel so FREE! I'm excited what God is going to do with my relationships, my tongue, my time, my pride, and my laziness!

Eww... I think I just threw up in my mouth...

Watch Out For Snakes!

A Few years ago we had a garden snake in our front yard. Luckily I wasn't home for it, but legend says it climbed up our front door trying to get in the house! Gross! For quite a long time after that happened, every time I would leave the house to go to work, my mom would walk me to the door and then yell out as I walked to my car:

"Watch out for snakes!"

It became our family joke... always watching out for snakes. But perhaps there was something prophetic there. Just the other night my mom told me this story that she heard in a sermon...

There was a young woman who bought a snake when it was just a 'baby.' This snake would sleep on a pillow next to her head and then when it started to get bigger, it would sleep at the foot of her bed. 'Snuggles' was her precious pet. One day she took her snake to the vet because he hadn't been eating for about a month or so.

"Have you noticed anything else strange about your snake besides his eating habits?" the vet asked.

"Yes actually" the concerned snake owner explained, "Usually he sleeps at the foot of my bed. Lately I will wake up in the middle of the night and find him stretch out by my side, from my feet all the way to my armpit."

"Kill it"

"What??"

"Kill the snake... now."

"Kill Snuggles? I can't kill Snuggles! Why do I need to kill him?"

"Because," the vet explained, "He is measuring you to see how much bigger he needs to get to eat you."

Thoughts:

EWWWWWW!!! SNAKES!!!
EWWWWWW!!! SNAKES THAT EAT PEOPLE!!!

Once I finally got through the heebie jeebies, my mom talked about the reason this story was told: SIN!

Sin! It's "crouching at your door" (Genesis 4:7)! And it wants to EAT you! Sin... it starts out as something small, something managable, but then it grows to a size where you have only two choices: let it gobble you up in your sleep or kill it.

More thoughts:

EWWWWWW!!! SIN!!!
EWWWWWW!!! SIN THAT EATS PEOPLE!!!


Lessons of the day:

1. Don't have snakes as pets. I mean, really people??

2. "Be killing sin or sin will be killing you." - John Owen

Shopping

Through the process of car shopping this last weekend, I realized there was something uncomfortably familiar about it: It's a lot like 'man shopping.' Like I said, this is going to be really uncomfortable. Bare with me here... I'm going to a 'Marriage Conference for Singles' type thing this weekend so I guess I am just preparing myself for it and it's on the brain. ::shrug::

When shopping for a car, it's all about all the details that we are looking for, what we want, what we don't want, what we are willing to compromise on, and what we are willing to pay for it. And then in the end, it becomes a game. We plan out what we can say to the sales man to get the price lower, he says what he can to make us think the price is better than it is, and then we walk away either with what we wanted because we played our game right, or we walk away empty handed with the hopes that the next day we will receive a phone call from the sales man when he has finally come to his senses and is willing to make a better offer.

What else does that sound like? The dumb dating game. Like a car, we investigate some things:

Year/Mileage - How much life experience has he had? Too much? Too little?
MPG - Is the effort we put into the relationship going to be matched?
Body/color - Is he attractive??
Engine type - What do they believe? What drives them? (You would think religion would be under 'details' but for those of us who are Christians, loving Jesus is not just a detail... it should influence the way the person functions in every way!)
Accessories - We have our negotiables and our non-negotiables. We would like those tinted windows and spinning rims (a neat eater with an amazing beard) but its not enough to get us to walk away. But if there are no power locks or A/C (heart for the poor and a good sense of humor), No Thanks! I'll keep looking!

Price - Then we get to the bottom line. How much of ourselves are we willing to give to this relationship? If the life experience is more than we want, shouldn't we be able to offer less of ourselves? If the beard was included, would we invest a bit more of ourselves?


A game. A game about what we can get for what we give.


And yet, we do the same to Jesus. It's all a game of give-and-take. We tell ourselves its not. We preach against 'prosperity gospel' til we are blue in the face... but we still do the same thing. When our car breaks down, we give Jesus less praise than deserved. When He gives us a new car, we lift our arms in gratitude... because He gave us what we wanted. We seem to think the commandment to praise Him no matter what (Philippians 4:4) is allowed to be tossed out the window when things get tough. We turn our relationship with Christ into just another shopping game, giving only what we think is deserved based on the wants that we get, instead of based on obedience and on what we have already received, which is worth so much more than a dumb car or a guy who can laugh.

Sigh...


Anyway, this was just a long-winded, rabbit-trail way of introducing my cute, practical, low mileage, good mpg, with all the bells and whistles new car! No name yet... any suggestions?

Ode to Fiona

Before you judge me for naming my car, if you are a parent then you have all the fun in the world naming your kids and ruining their lives with the weird name ideas that come into your head. My car is just an inanimate object. Any ridicule for the names I give my cars will only affect me. I could totally judge you with far greater reason if I wanted to, but I won't. But what I will do is continue to name my cars. (Ideas are streaming in now for my new one!)

That said, Fiona got into an accident last week. I was driving out of town for my mini vacation when I suddenly lost control of the car, slammed into the median to my left, and then went spinning across the 4 lanes of the freeway. How did I lose control? Good question. I'd like to know that myself! All I know is by the grace of God I didn't hit anyone, flip over, and no one was hurt. Whew! Well, no one... except... ::tears:: ...Fiona.

Almost 7 years ago, I purchased my first car. As a youngin' in my early 20s, it was time to make my first big purchase. (Look at how skinny I was!)

Over that time of 7 years... wow think about it! 7 years! That's longer than any job I have ever had! That's also a longer period of time than any relationship I have ever had! And let's face it... Fiona has probably suffered much more abuse than any of my boyfriends ever did... ::gulp::

Within that 7 years, I have learned how to become a better driver (or worse... depending on how you look at it... working in LA has ruined me!), I have driven her to and from Valencia, LA, San Diego, and other locations, on a REGULAR basis! I have also stuffed her full of over 30 Treasure Boxes at once (and those things are heavy too!)

She has also listened quietly as I cried my heart out through hurt friendships, lost relationships, broken engagements (well, only one. Thank goodness. Yikes!), and dealt with mean drivers. She kept secrets that no one else knows... oh dear if that girl could talk! Without complaint, she let me use words a sweet Christian girl shouldn't. She knew my sinful nature better than many!

In her last days, she had a lot of repairs needed. But she still brought me to and from work, church, home, etc... regardless of my neglect to fix her problems or clean her.

And now? Now she has been taken away by a tow truck carrying other cars that most likely have the same destiny... sold piece by piece. But me? I will easily move on. I will move on to something younger and better and forget the attachment I had with this lovely girl who wanted to do nothing more than treat me right. Sheesh I sound like a man! (I kid I kid! kinda...)


Goodbye my friend! Hugs and kisses for a car that served me well!

Who do I think I am??

Amidst everything that has been happening lately (which I will update on later... I always say that, but do I ever really? *Oh well*), God has been sprinkling reminders all over the place of His sovereignty, of His promises to take care of me (Matthew 7:11), and of my sinful tendency to lose all faith in Him the second things go differently than I think they should. It's pretty disgusting when it comes down to it.

When my mom told me my car was officially totaled, I panicked, wondering how I would ever get by (I am so stinkin' dramatic...)

But then when I was told about the open doors to get a new car, a weight was lifted and I was jumping and singing...

Shouldn't I have been rejoicing regardless??


Then today my dear friend posted this as her facebook status:

"As Solomon wrote, "For God gives rest to his loved ones" (Psalm 127:2).

And so it is for the person who puts his or her trust in God. When we are worrying, we are really saying that God isn't in control, that God is not paying attention. When we worry, we are not trusting in the providence of God.

And what is the providence of God? It is the belief that God is in control of the universe. And specifically as Christians, it means we believe there are no accidents in our lives. Nothing touches us that has not first passed through His hands.

- Greg Laurie (see full entry Here)

Wow! So true! If I am truly trusting in God with my life, will I still be worrying or stressing? No way! David slept peacefully in the lion's den. Why? Because he trusted in God regardless of His circumstances! If I truly believe that this car accident is a PART of God's plan, not a set back from it, what kind of joy would I have BECAUSE of the accident?


To take it further, I was then reminded me of something Francis Chan wrote in his book, Crazy Love. It's one of my favorite books and this part was one of those that stuck with me because I had never heard it this way before:

"When I am consumed by my problems – stressed out by my life, my family, my job – I actually convey the belief that I think the circumstances are more important than God’s command to always rejoice. In other words, that I have a “right” to disobey God because of the magnitude of my responsibilities.

Worry implies that we don’t quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what is happening in our lives.

Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control.

Basically, these two behaviors communicate that it’s ok to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life is somehow exceptional. Both worry and stress reek of arrogance. They declare our tendency to forget that we’ve been forgiven, that our lives here are brief, that we are headed to a place where we won’t be lonely, afraid, or hurt ever again, and that in the context of God’s strength, our problems are small, indeed.

Why are we so quick to forget God? Who do we think we are?

So when we worry and stress, not only are we showing God that we don't trust Him, but it is actually sinning! We are making our circumstances a bigger god in our lives than the one God who can take care of those circumstances! That's so crazy and humbling!


Jesus, forgive me of my sin of not trusting you. YOU ARE BIGGER!

Darkness Falls Across The Land...

One more video. Plus no time for real blogging because I am leaving for SLO today. Yay for Tina time!! :)





P.S. Yesterday morning my mom randomly, totally out of nowhere, said to me, "We really do need to learn that Thriller dance." Does that make her the coolest mom ever? I'd say so!

P.S.S. I actually posted this blog on Wednesday but had it scheduled to show up yesterday, thinking I would be halfway to my destination by then. Little did I know I would have been in an accident around the same time this posted! So no trip for me. Blog about the accident coming soon ;)

Math Lovers Unite!

Sorry no real blogs lately. I will get out of this postingvideos&weirdpicturesinsteadofpostingrealthoughts phase soon. Until then...

"What does a person look for then?"

I'm really only posting this because the girl with the spikes coming out of her head was starting to creep me out. And because I like it.

Thanks again Abraham Piper. Check out the comments on his post.

You might end up dumb(er) for reading this

To warn you from the beginning, with thunder and lighting and bursts of rain, my bedroom was it's own special light show and earthquake box all night. Kind of like Star Tours... only it didn't make me feel sick... or bored (Sorry Disney fans... but that ride made it onto the 'Jen's least favorite rides EVER' list...)

All that to say, I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. It was loud, bright, and... well, a little scary... and now? Now I am tired, jittery from too much caffeine, and crazy haired...

Google FAIL. I did a search for 'cartoon crazy bed head hair' and got this... ummm...

Now that you've been warned, here's an update of things that no one really cares about anyway:

1. Never mind. This was a dumb idea. I don't feel like updating. I'm too tired... and jittery... and crazy haired (but NOT like the picture above) to be funny or creative or intuitive.



Enjoy the creepy picture. ;)

Because I like to laugh...

...and I'm sure you do too, here are a couple videos that are pretty funny! Some are old and some are newer... but fun nonetheless!

1. Chris Tomlin. Like you've never seen him before.

2. Told you being a single lady is awesome! Everyone wants to be one...

3. Since I've been talking about what a horrible person I am, the fact that I enjoy this video immensely only shows what a twisted person I really am. But I challenge you, oh you twisted soul, to not like it also. ;)










Update: Turns out Abraham Piper had the same idea as me today. The first two videos are kinda dumb... the third almost made me pee my pants... (just sayin')

7 Days of Denial

During my year at Hope International University, the dorm leaders challenged us all to a '7 Days of Denial.' This meant, basically, a fast. A couple people actually did fast from food, but most of us fasted from other things. Some of the guys from video games, some other people of things they felt they spent too much time on, and a bulk of us girls fasted from... GASP!... looking in the mirror! It was something one of the leaders was feeling convicted of, so she challenged us to do the same.

At first I didn't think it would be a big deal. "It's not like I look in the mirror that much anyway..." I thought... Boy was I wrong! With a school filled with mirror-like windows on the outside of every classroom, I realized quickly how much I looked at myself. It was so easy too... my reflection was so accessible. It only made sense to look at it! I found myself walking with my head down often. I also had to take the stairs every where too... Our elevator had mirrors on the inside. The first time us girls tried to take it during that week? We screamed and ran! Yes... have fun with it if you want... I DID scream when I saw myself!

As the week came to an end, I learned a lot about trusting in God, not worrying about my outward appearance, and time management. And yet, part of me still wondered what I would look like when the week ended. I went a week of no make-up (funny... now I hardly wear it anyway...) and letting my hair run wild. The first time looking in a mirror? It was anti-climactic. I was still the girl with frizzy hair, chola-eyebrows, and braces.


But I look back on it now and I think about what happens when we don't look in our 'spiritual mirror' for a while. I know this sounds corny, but stick with me here. (haha... I accidentally typed 'stink with me' instead of stick. That made me laugh. Ok sorry. Squirrel moment.) We often talk about the Bible being our mirror, showing us how dirty and filthy we are without Christ. James 1 talks about the dangers of looking in the 'mirror' and not changing our ways. And another type of mirror? Things that challenge us. Marriage. Coworkers. Difficult situations. Missions.


I am trying to not only keep up with The Very Worst Missionary but also going back through her older blogs. In an attempt to waste time this last hour of work (shhh... don't tell my boss. He will have to take a break from forwarding chain emails to reprimand me... hehe), I decided to go to her very first posts from about 3 years ago. Her first post was from the day they left the states to move to Costa Rica as missionaries... and I was a little surprised at what I found. Being used to reading posts by a brutally honest, smart-mouthed, jaded woman (and I mean that in the best way possible!), I was taken back to find a woman who was still upfront, but slightly timid, extremely grateful, and gentle in every way. Not that she isn't grateful now, but, well, she wrote like me. Not feeling completely free to say exactly what she wants to say the way she wants to say it. And when it comes down to it, I bore myself. Sure I write about things that convict me (like she did and still does) but I don't slap people in the face with it like she does. Had my first time reading her blog been like how it was in the beginning, I probably wouldn't have been hooked. I don't need another me.

But then I started thinking about the difference between her blogs then and now. I wondered, "Am I going to become like that? Is that what missions does to you? Do you turn from someone who is excited about the Lord and expectantly waiting on what He has planned to a person who is bitter about the way the world works, about Christians in churches, about the people you minister to?" It scared me a little bit. While it would make my blog more exciting, do I want to have this jaded perspective of God's people?

I was brought back to what a new friend told me the other night. She had spent 6 years with World Impact and was telling me what to expect, what to consider during this application time, and what she loved about it.


She told me, "If you want to know what a horrible and dirty person you are, join World Impact."


If I am completely honest with myself, I am a super bitter person. I get angry with politicians (both sides!) and people who cut me off on the road. I look with disgust upon church-goers who raise their hands to Jesus when I know the cruel words they speak about others. I get upset when my 4th-6th graders don't take the Bible seriously and I wonder if the church is going to go down the drain. I pridefully want to ask the girls on the street how they could let a man control them and why they aren't more grateful of the efforts *I* am making to reach them.

I am super bitter. I don't need to go into missions to become a bitter person. Neither did my 'Worst Missionary' friend. She was already there. I am already there. I need missions to show me my bitterness. I need it as my mirror, like my school filled with mirrors I can't avoid. I need it so that I can finally look it in the eye and decide what I want to do with it.


Hi. My name is Jen. And I am a bitter, wretched person.

And let's face it... so are you.

Whose Fault IS It?

I have a million things I want to write about this week, but I will write about the most recent thing that I have been thinking about... :)

A couple nights ago we had a speaker from Voice of the Martyrs at our church. I have been familiar with the organization for quite some time so I was super excited to have him here. Despite leaving work later than intended, crazy traffic, and a 'fine-I-guess-I-won't-be-going-cause-I-hate-being-late' attitude, God in all His goodness got me to the church just seconds before the event started. I am so glad for it too!

This event, which maybe I will write more about later, inspired me to *finally* read the book "Tortured for Christ"... written by the founder of VOM, Richard Wurmbrand. I have had the book for forever but always end up distracted by another book instead.

This book is pretty much rocking my socks with every page, but here's something that keeps going through my head (It's long... but so good!) To introduce it, this chapter was devoted not only to the torture that Christians went through (and still do) in Communist countries, but also to what the families of the captives go through. Here's one store that broke my heart, but it brings me back to my girls, to my love for the inner city, and to my own dirty heart:

I will tell you just one case of suffering from a family that I know personally. A brother entered prison on account of his work in the Underground Church. He left behind a wife with six children. His older daughters of seventeen and nineteen could not get a job. The only one that gives jobs in a Communist country is the state, and it does not give jobs to children of "criminal" Christians. Please don't judge this story according to moral standards; just receive the facts. The two daughters of a Christian martyr - Christians themselves - became prostitutes to support their younger brothers and sick mother. Their younger brother of fourteen became insane when he saw it and had to be put in an asylum. When years later the imprisoned father returned, his only prayer was, "God, take me to prison again. I cannot bear to see this." His prayer was answered and he was jailed again for the crime of having witnessed for Christ to children. His daughters were no longer prostitutes, as they received jobs complying with the demands of the secret police - they became informers. As daughters of a Christian martyr, they are received with honor in every house. They listen and then they report everything they hear to the secret police. Don't just say that this is ugly and immoral - of course it is - but ask yourself if it is not also your sin that such tragedies occur, that such families are left alone, and are not helped by you who are free.

This is not at all a post to excuse behavior that is contrary to God's word, but to try to take a look at that log in our eyes before judging the specks in others...


*A family is left on their own without a provider and without a way of making money, what options do they have? What IF the Christians in the free countries HAD stepped up, done their part, and provided for this family, would these young girls have made the decision to sell their bodies and then to sell their Christian brothers and sisters to prison?

*A young boy is left alone without a close family. He has no one... until someone from a gang shows interest in him. This gang makes him feel accepted and loved. He has to commit some illegal acts, but over all, for the first time, he feels like he has a family. What IF Christians were in this boys life, showing him Christ's love and acceptance? Would this boy's life have turned out differently? Would he still have died at the age of twelve by getting shot?

*A poor family has very little money with even less chance of their children getting a proper education. Just one hop over the border to a more thriving country with a job of manual labor means dinner on the table and education for their children. They now have a chance not only of survival, but also of living a better life. What IF Christians provided a way for these children to learn and helped these family with their needs? What IF Christians, instead of so quickly holding their money with a tight fist, found ways to help these families be able to legally live in their country so they could have better lives and learn the Gospel? Would these families have to continually live as captives, always running from the law and never knowing the security in Jesus?

*A young girl, who has been abused by men all her life, has never known true love. A pimp offers her that true love... only it's not true. She finds herself also running from the law as she makes money for the only 'love' she has ever known by selling herself. What IF Christians showed her love, TRUE love, and offered her a way off the streets? What IF Christians, instead of sitting around discussing what a horrible thing that is, got out of their comfort zones, reached out to her, prayed for her, and offered her a life that she no longer thought was possible for her? How would things be different for her?


Instead of looking at some one's life and thinking about how awful that life is, we should instead be thinking about how this could be our fault, our SIN, that allowed this life for them to happen. This is not to take responsibility away from people as they make decisions, but to encourage us to TAKE responsibility for the solution, for offering the gift, that could change those decisions they are making. We are JUST as responsible!

‎"When we judge or criticize another person, it says nothing about that person; it merely says something about our own need to be critical." -Unknown


Ahem... so to answer the question I get asked often, THAT is why I want to move to the inner city.

2 New Faves

I'm in the middle of composing a blog right now in response to one of the blogs I am about to mention... but it needs mad prayer and revision as it is coming across way too bitter and harsh. The harsh part I don't mind, in fact we all need that sometimes, but the bitter part? Yeah... need to work on that part. Coming soon!

(See what I did? Now all you faithful followers will be waiting on the edge of your seats for my next blog. "Jen harsh? and bitter??" and then you will be disappointed when it's not as Francis Chan Harsh or "insert bitter person's name here (don't act like you don't know someone... and of course we all know it's not you)" Bitter as you had hoped... but by then it will be too late... you will already have read it. I'm so sneaky...)

Anyway... here are two of my new favorite blogs!

To fit this criteria, you have to:

-Bring information to me that is new and fresh
-Have an element of shock value
-Challenge me in the way I think or the way I live (or is that the same thing? Hmmm)
-Have a really witty blog title
-And be female (apparently... since they are both female. But actually that's not true at all. And actually I don't usually have 'favorites'... so scratch this whole criteria thing anyway...)


My first new favorite is written by a 30 something year old missionary in Costa Rica. She lives there with her husband and 3(?) kids as they do God's work. Her element of shock value? She can be a bit... crass? (I don't know if that's the right word...) Ok so she cusses sometimes. and she is brutally honest about what it's like to be a missionary, wife, mother, female, sinner, etc... and I love her for it! She's definitely not one to restrain herself just to please the :::cough::: church crowd :::cough::: Let's face it... she says what we are all thinking, but wouldn't dare say!

Jamie the Very Worst Missionary is rocking my socks lately. And if you want to read a couple of her entries that almost made me cry... at work? BAM! and Moded!


The second 'favorite' new blog of mine is not one you would expect. It's written by a Used-to-be-Christian-now-Athiest-who-writes-about-her-issues-with-Christians... in a nutshell ;) And?? I LOVE this girl! There are things (of course) that I don't agree with, but there are so many things that she says that makes me want to change myself, yell at others, and go hug her and ask her to come back to Jesus because with what she has experienced and seen, she would make the best Christian ever and then when the rest of us are being near-sighted, unloving, judgmental, etc... she can slap us around a bit. It would be wonderful! Well... you know what I mean! It's her blog that I am writing a response to (which I do AGREE with!) but I won't let you know which entry it is yet... that will spoil the surprise!


Hope you enjoy some new fresh reading. I hope it stretches you like it's stretching me! :)


P.S. I've been grumpy today... for no reason. So if I seem extra weird today, it's because I am trying to pull myself out of it by being goofy. But I might be the only one who gets my weird humor. Oh well!

Outreach 9/24/10

Thanks Cynthia for writing about this weekend's outreach! *copying and pasting*


I just got home and although it is late, I wanted to write down a few thoughts from tonight's outreach while they were still fresh in my mind. The night started out slow and we were driving down the track wondering where the girls were until we saw the first one of the evening. Julia and I went to meet her - her name is W**** and she was a sweet girl who was genuinely pleased to talk to us. She told us she'd been doing this "all her life" and that she was concerned about her health since she had high blood pressure and was a drug addict. She said she was tired of this lifestyle and was open to us praying for her later (she didn't seem comfortable with us praying in her presence). My heart broke for her and Julia and I prayed for her as we walked away. Meanwhile Jen and Daryl were talking with another girl across the street.

The next couple of girls we met were S**** and M**** both of which were open to talking to us as well. We had seen S**** before and she remembered us. She sounded surprised when I told her she could call the number on the matchbook we had given her if she was ready to leave the game - she acted as though she might actually call - I pray that she does. She also stated that every time she's in a funk, we show up...coincidence? I think not! M**** asked for prayer for deliverance and salvation and admitted she was addicted to drugs too.

We came across a few others - some who would simply take the gift bag but not really talk to us and some who refused all together. Later we saw K***** on the same corner we've seen her before - when Daryl suggested she call the number on the matchbook she simply stated she wasn't ready yet (said she had a bunch of the matchbooks already lol). All in God's timing...

Lastly we met with P**, another girl we had seen before. She's an older lady and remembers Julia from a while back. She claimed to know Jesus and stated he was the reason for her standing there. At first I thought she meant he was the reason she was standing on the corner but then realized she meant it literally - that he was the only reason she was still standing period! She let know that tomorrow was her birthday and let us pray for her on that corner tonight.

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, for he has anointed me to bring Good News to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released, that the blind will see, that the oppressed will be set free, and that the time of the Lord’s favor has come.” - Luke 4:18-19

Cartoons Taught Me Everything I Know

When it comes down to it, I am more of a Simpsons girl than anything else, but from time to time, I have found myself enjoying 'King of the Hill.'

While there can be a lot of stupidity found in shows like these, every so often nuggets of gold show up when you don't expect it. And they are usually from the father, Hank, which you really don't expect even more.



The episode, 'Reborn to be Wild,' when Bobby joins up with a church where they all insist that you have to have a Mohawk and piercings to follow Christ, is one of those examples! (P.S. I'm not against Mohawks or anything else they mention in this episode... I LOVE that Christians come in all shapes, sizes, and colors! I just really appreciate the lessons taught through this...)


Bobby: I can't believe you are making me do this. It is so UNCOOL!
Hank: You know what's not cool? HELL!

(Uh oh! Does Mark Driscoll get his material from King of the Hill also?? hehe)


Bobby: (Referring to his planned tattoo) Dad, it's just my way of giving mad respect to the Lord.
Hank: Bobby, the Lord has been getting mad respect since the beginning of time, he does not want you defacing your body.

(Like I said, I'm not against tattoos... AT ALL! I just like the mad respect part lol)

My Favorite:

BOBBY: When I turn 18, I'm going to do whatever I want for the Lord. Tattoos, piercings, you name it.
HANK: Well, I'll take that chance. Come here, there's something I want you to see. (Hank takes down a box from the shelf and opens it up) Remember this?
BOBBY: My beanbag buddy? Oh, man, I can't believe I collected those things. They're so lame.
HANK: You didn't think so five years ago. And how about your virtual pet? You used to carry this thing everywhere. Then you got tired of it, forgot to feed it, and it died.
BOBBY: (looks at a photo of himself in a Ninja Turtles costume): I look like such a dork.
HANK: I know how you feel. I never thought that "Members Only" jacket would go out of style, but it did. I know you think stuff you're doing now is cool, but in a few years you're going to think it's lame. And I don't want the Lord to end up in this box.

Amen!

5 Hundred 25 Thousand 6 Hundred Minutes

I really don't like chain email. I never pass them forward which is probably why I lose all my friends, I never fall in love, and my feet always smell. Or... that could be totally unrelated to my unforwarded emails... anyway...

This one I liked. Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Imagine that you had won the following prize in a contest:
Each morning your bank would deposit $86,400.00 in your private account for your use.

However,this prize has rules, just as any game has certain rules.

The first set of rules would be:
Everything that you didn't spend during each day would be taken away from you.
You may not simply transfer money into some other account.
You may only spend it.
Each morning upon awakening, the bank opens your account with another $86,400.00 for that day.

The second set of rules:
The bank can end the game without warning; at any time it can say,
Its over,the game is over!
It can close the account and you will not receive a new one.

What would you personally do?
You would buy anything and everything you wanted, right?
Not only for yourself, but for all people you love, right?

Even for people you don't know, because you couldn't possibly spend it all on yourself, right?
You would try to spend every cent, and use it all, right?

Actually, this GAME is REALITY!

Each of us is in possession of such a magical bank. We just can't seem to see it.
The MAGICAL BANK is TIME!

Each morning we awaken to receive 86,400 seconds as a gift of life, and when we go to sleep at night, any remaining time is NOT credited to us.
What we haven't lived up that day is forever lost.

Yesterday is forever gone.

Each morning the account is refilled, but the bank can dissolve your account at any time....WITHOUT WARNING.

SO, what will YOU do with your 86,400 seconds?

Aren't they worth so much more than the same amount in dollars?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Don't boast about tomorrow; You don't know what will happen." Proverbs 27:1

#42

A WEEK (yes... only a week) after I decided to take my World Impact jump (and yes... I am still working on the application...), the unthinkable happened!

Ok wait... it wasn't THAT unthinkable. Hold on. Let's back track...


A few weeks BEFORE I decided to apply for World Impact, I had a little bit of car trouble. I had a clunking in my engine that worried me. My extremely honest and honorable mechanic told me it was because my struts needed to be replaced. While I didn't doubt that that was true, something in my doesn't-know-any-about-cars-whatsoever mind doubted that struts would cause noises in my engine. The little logic that I have as a women (there I said it!) still screamed that something didn't make sense...

Luckily I chose to hold off on such an expense because less than a week later, my headlights went out. It ended up being a short in the wiring. While I was there (a different mechanic in LA) the clunking noise stopped happening. My new friend had noticed a loose spark plug and tightened it for free! How nice! He also noticed I had a coolant leak but he wasn't too concerned and said to keep an eye on it and check up on it in a month or so. Month... sure...

FAST FORWARD to the week after my WI decision (and only a couple weeks after the 'minor leak' was noticed), my sister and I were driving home from Target when my car decided it didn't want to drive fast. "Oh no, not again," is what flashed through my mind (and if we knew exactly why I had thought that, we would know a lot more about the nature of the universe than we currently do...) I pulled over into a park and ride, turned off the car, and then, acting like I knew what I was looking at, I popped the hood. "Hmmm... engine is still there..." but then I noticed a TON of water pouring from the bottom of my car. Ummm... not good.

What it came down to? Replaced the radiator, replaced the thermostat, and fixed a leak in the manifold. That meant some fairly expensive parts and a LOT of labor... which meant a lot of money and a week with no car.


"Ok wait God... so I tell you that I am ready to take the next step, to trust you with my finances and to lay down my pride to let others help me, and THIS happens? Makes sense actually..."


The irony, or not, of the situation was, well, ironic enough that I couldn't even be upset. It seems that whenever I make new commitments or promises to God, He immediately works to test me to see if I will actually stick to it. (Someday I will tell you about my 'remove my idols' prayer to God which left me with 4 unusable bridesmaids dresses! It's funny now that I look back on it...)



Through it all, I learned to let others drive me around...


(best hitchhiking picture EVER!)


To let others help me with my finances (something all missionaries HAVE to do... but I don't like it!)...

To let God take care of me in ways that I am not used to...

To be thankful for what I do have, and not always focus on what I don't have...

To never forget my towel... (hehehe)

Oh and one other thing I learned...

Prostitute Outreach - 09/10/10

Last night's outreach from Jen C's perspective. Thank you all for praying!

Love will always find the open door

"Come, see a Man who told me all things that I ever did. Could this be the Christ?" John 4:29


Jesus tells us exactly who we are and we rejoice because of who He is...He is the one who is able to cover all our sins and we do not need to fear who we are when He comes to us, instead we rejoice and worship Him.


Tonight we went on outreach and there was a slight difference to what we were saying to the women and men we met..."we are here to reach out to men and women who are in the game" ...that one phrase let them know that we knew who they were, we didn't just happen to see them on street or think they were there for some other reason and we were going to offer them something real.


We met a lot of girls tonight, many didn't give us their names, some were very straightforward about wanting nothing to do with us, but many received our gifts, talked with us and prayed with us and there was a marked difference in their countenance when they realized why we were there. I'll tell you about just a few of them...


K***** we drove around and around to finally catch up to this girl, we would see her, turn around and she would all of a sudden be on the other side of the street, once she disappeared completely with a trick and then she was there again. At first she seemed like she was just going to walk quickly by us but when I offered her a gift she stopped cold and her face changed completely, I could see the heartbreak in her face, she immediately asked me my name which may not seem like a big deal but it was a wall coming down...not just us trying to connect with her but her connecting with us. She wanted us to pray for her but not there, so we prayed as she left.


Next we saw S**** and she was sweet but probably new to the game and was quickly joined by her friend who was not happy that she was talking to us, however; when her friend approached us and found out who we were she became very attentive and as a third girl approached she said, "so we can call you if we want to get out of this life?" yes!!! We gave them all gifts and our phone number.


S***** and C***** were together and were obviously being watched by a guy who stood nearby, so Daryl went to talk to the guy and give him a pimp track while Jen and I approached the girls. The one girl thought we were cops and pretended to be looking for the bus but when she saw us engage the other girl she came back and they both opened up to us, they wanted out and C***** especially was brokenhearted because her son had just been taken away by CPS, she began to cry and both were eager to receive prayer right then and there.


G***, when we told her we were there for men and women in the game she said, "that's me"...I really don't know if I've seen so many honest reactions in one night but it really seemed that our honesty and willingness to seek them out gave them the freedom to be honest with us.


I am so thankful that Jesus loves us based on who He is, not who we are and I am privileged to share that love with others. Praise Him for an awesome night!

Tolerance - D.A. Carson

“Twenty five years ago ‘tolerance’ was understood to be a virtue that operated something like this: If I hold strong views on any particular subject I am nevertheless judged to be ‘tolerant’ if I think that your views are bad, immoral, improper, even disgusting, wicked or stupid, but still insist you have the right to defend them. In other words, a ‘tolerant’ person puts up with somebody else’s views and insists they have the right to hold them even while – in the vigorous arena of debate – we might disagree fundamentally on who is right or who is wrong. Such a person is a ‘tolerant’ person.

But nowadays, that is not what ‘tolerance’ means. Now ‘tolerance’ means that you don’t hold that anybody is right or wrong. Everybody is equally right or wrong. Nobody is more right than another person. If you don’t hold that then you are ‘intolerant.’ Now that is a huge shift … Under this new definition of ‘tolerance’ I don’t even know what ‘tolerance’ means because in the old view of ‘tolerance’ you had to disagree with someone before you could actually tolerate them. How do you say ‘Oh, yes, you are entirely right – I tolerate you?’ … This new ‘tolerance’ actually becomes extremely intolerant of anybody who does not buy into this view of ‘tolerance’ because if you actually come right out and say that some view is wrong or silly or foolish or indefensible or even questionable, then you are judged to be ‘intolerant.’ Thus, in the name of this newfangled tolerance it turns out, at profoundly deep levels, to be the most intolerant thing of all!”

- D.A. Carson, Evangelism in the 21st Century (session 2)
http://spurgeon.wordpress.com/category/da-carson/


P.S. I like it when I can steal someone else's words to say what I think. The end. ;)

Too Many Excuses. Too Little Time.

Last night I stayed up into the wee hours of the night working on my application for World Impact. And in all that time, I got half way through page 4... of 30... and this was just the easy stuff (but to be fair, I didn't start til almost midnight). Next to come are all the essay type answers I have to write. It's going to be quite a process, but I can already tell that God is going to stretch me as I complete this application. Having to face my past and write it out on paper, having to describe in my own words who Jesus is, what the cross is, what the church is(to name a few) to me, having to not only describe my ministry goals but also why (that's harder to answer than you think), plus MANY other things... it's going to be a growing process. And that's just the application to be considered!

Through all this though, I have been thinking about the last two years since I made the decision to *someday* be in the mission field... thinking about what has occurred, what God has lead me through, how I have tried to run from it in various ways, and some of the reasons why I ran. Here's what I came up with...

Reasons people who are called to be missionaries don't become missionaries:


1. Am I really "Called?"

I don't know how to describe it, but when you're called, you're called and you know it. But there are times when because of fear, we wonder if we really are. Perhaps things aren't working out the way we think it should so we doubt God's sovereignty through trials and His leading throughout the way. But when we finally sit down, search God's word, and pray, we know. I don't know how to describe it except... Divine

(Any reference made to anyone who is called is not to put them on a pedestal. And any reference made to anyone who does not feel called to missions is not to put them lower than those who are. God has a different purpose for all of us and if we were all called to full time missionary work, who would be in workforce supporting the missionaries? Not to mention their ministry to coworkers and to those around them. That is their calling and it's just as divine an appointment as uprooting and doing full time missionary work. What a good God we serve who allows us to serve Him using our gifts and desires!)


2. Fear

There are plenty of different fears we encounter when God is calling us to something. We fear it's not actually God's will, we fear what others will think, whether it be people thinking we are crazy for doing it or people thinking we are failures if it doesn't turn out as we hoped, we fear we will be wasting our time or God's time... yeah... lots of fears...


3. Money

One of the main things that has been holding me back from applying sooner for World Impact is the fact that I have student loans to pay off. The actual raising support doesn't bother or worry me... if it's God's will, He will provide the funds. But the thought of having my supporters pay for my debt for a degree I didn't finish? It feels funny.

But then last week I was talking to one of our pastors. I mentioned the reason for my hesitancy regarding my loans and having others help pay them off. Given that he is paid through the church, he then said, "Well who do you think pays my debt?" Hmmm... good point. Perhaps I need to just not let my pride get in the way of letting people help me? Perhaps...


4. Unequally Yoked

In the last couple years, I have found myself in relationships with guys who either are not called to full time missionary work or just really don't have a reverence for God's work in general. Without getting too far into the discussion of being unequally yoked in marriage to a non Christian, I will say that I believe it's even possible for two Christians to be unequally yoked. I never felt right being with someone who didn't want to go into missionary work, specifically inner city missionary work. While I was open to where God might be leading if that meant to follow a husband elsewhere, I knew deep down that I still belonged in the inner city. To be married to someone who is not in missions would be heart breaking...

However, I still found myself in such relationships and it made me doubt God's calling on my life. The desire for intimacy and to be married became more of a priority for me than what God was telling me and I was quickly ready to decide that I wasn't called to missions for the sake of not 'being alone.'


5. Desire for Marriage

On the same token of being unequally yoked, I know of a handful of people (specifically girls) who fear that if they go into the mission field, they may never meet anyone. "Perhaps God wants me to not go so I can stay here and be a wife and mother," they say (and I have thought myself). This is definitely valid and it is possible, but I think one thing we are forgetting is that if God tells us to go, we need to go!

One thing that finally got this idea out of my head was when I was talking to the pastor I mentioned. He told me about a conversation he had with his daughter who also wants to do missions. She said she feared she would marry someone who didn't want to do missions and he told her straight out that she would be miserable if that were to happen. Then he said this, "But where would be the best place to meet someone who wants to do missions?" The Mission Field! Duh Jen! It's so simple but I have never thought of it that way before! Don't go because I might miss out on meeting someone here? That's absurd! God's will (my singleness or someday marrying) is not based on if I stay in Lancaster or if I go elsewhere... it is based on if I stay in His will, wherever that is! That's it!

Oh and just to be clear, I am not saying that someone should go on the mission field with the purpose of meeting someone. Not at all! I am just saying that wanting to meet someone shouldn't be a reason to not go. You trackin' with me? ;)


6. Education (or lack of)

I never finished my Bachelor's degree. What if I can't be used unless I have it?

"And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, 'Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?' Then I said, 'Here am I! Send me.'"

- Isaiah 6:8

It doesn't say, "Who has a degree and is equipped with amazing amounts of knowledge and experience?" God just asked, 'Who will go? Who is willing?' Whew. Thank you Lord. Send me!


7. Prior obligations

I have a job. I book keep for After Hours. I reach out to the girls and guys on Friday nights. I have various ministries I take part in at church.

A lot would have to be done to make sure these responsibilities are taken care of by the time it is time that I leave them. It will be a God thing to have them all taken care of perfectly so that I could leave with peace and not with the feeling that I am abandoning them.


8. Family

I have:

parents who I can talk to about virtually anything (James 5:16 will do that to you... most humbling thing ever, but then after that, what do you have to hide?)

siblings who are close and we work on keeping it that way

a sister-in-law who is like my own sister

a niece and a nephew who are beautiful beyond words and I love watching them grow up

...and many other people who I can't imagine not having close by.

Am I willing to miss some special moments with my special people for the sake of the gospel being known by people who are strangers to me right now?



There are so many things to consider and so many reasons that we use to excuse ourselves from doing God's work. I don't want these excuses to be mine anymore!

Lord give me strength. I don't pray that any of these obstacles will be removed, but that You will be most glorified as you give me the strength to stand strong in the face of the obstacles. Thank you for your calling to do your work!

You want me to go where?

Have you ever used a pit toilet before? Something like this?



(You thought when my subject line said 'go,' that it was going to be about God leading me somewhere type of thing huh? Silly...)


Ok ok so this isn't about pit toilets. They are gross anyway.


Remember about two years ago when I was praying about applying with World Impact? I put a hold on the process to move home, get some things (specifically financially) taken care of, and to see where God was leading. Well, I finally decided to take the crazy step of applying! I still have to tackle about 30 pages worth of questions, but I am excited that I am actually going to do it!

So where does God want me to go? Inner city here I come ;)


P.S. Just so the whole pit toilets thing doesn't seem completely out of nowhere, I went camping this weekend so I became very much acquainted with them. Eww!

Day 31 - James

Oops! Looks like I haven't blogged about James in a while... and today is the last day!

Reading through the same book every day was a really neat experience. I don't think I have ever done that before and spent so much time in one place. I think the most I did was I read Hebrews every day for a week. It's so crazy how it can still be so fresh everyday and there are always new things to learn from it!

While reflecting over the last month, my friend Jackie, the one who encouraged all of us to read James every day, wrote this:

"I just finished Bill Hybels' book "The Power of a Whisper" and in it he writes about hearing the voice of God. He writes at one point about the times when we start to feel spiritually dry. He said that it is in those times that he "gets stuck" in scripture. He said that there have been times he would stay in Proverbs... or Acts 2 or another book for weeks--just waiting for God to speak to him. He said that one time for his personal daily devotionals he stayed in Romans 12 for A YEAR. Wow. I was so encouraged when I read that, I think I fell asleep with a smile on my face."

Wow! I guess I know what book I will be reading next!

And as far as scripture goes, I am wavering between Romans and Daniel to read every day this month. Maybe I will do both. Stay tuned... ;)

Friday the 13th - Outreach

I've been really bad at blogging about outreach lately. People ask me how it goes and then I direct them to the blog that 'I will be writing soon' but I never do. Oops!

To start, here's how my Friday went (this may end up being long winded - forgive me - but who reads these anyway? Hi mom and Courtney. You better comment! haha):

I met my dear friend Kathy for breakfast at 6am yesterday. When I first got there, I was the only person there along with the waiter who had worked all night. You could tell he was tired and had a boring night. We talked about his evening, about the idea of being paid to do nothing and it being overrated, and about having to sleep during the day after a night shift like that. Soon after, Kathy got there. We were pretty much the only people there for quite a while and our poor waiter seemed to enjoy listening in to our conversation as his only form of entertainment at the time.

After breakfast, I headed out to work and decided to listen to a Mark Cahill sermon that I had listened to a couple years ago but for whatever reason I decided to listen to it again. It was about witnessing and about using EVERY opportunity to share Christ's love with people and His gospel because you never know how God could use one short conversation. I thought about our waiter. I had a good 5-10 minutes with him before Kathy got there (I was running early for once lol). Why didn't I get deeper with him?? Convicted, I wrote Kathy an email as soon as I got to work telling her that I want to start praying about how God could use our early morning breakfasts to reach people. I have let so many God-given opportunities slip through my fingers. I don't want it to happen again...

Reflecting on our waiter and on the sermon through out the day is what prepared me for outreach that night. I kept thinking about what we do out there and the importance and urgency of making sure these girls (and guys) know exactly what God wants them to know. And turns out, in all God's sovereign graciousness, my heart wasn't the only one God had been working in about it. When I met up with the After Hours team last night, one of the first things Daryl said was, "We need to start bringing this to the next level." And he was right. We have gained the trust (somewhat) of these girls and they are familiar with us because of the gift bags. Now it was time to start bringing more meat to the streets.


In all, we talked to about 10 girls. Most of them knew who we were and were more than comfortable enough with letting us give them a gift bag. It was when we started to get a little more personal that they started to get a little uncomfortable. Trying to figure out how to 'bring it to the next level,' I followed Jen's and Daryl's lead as they began to ask the girls more questions about their time on the streets, if they have a pimp, and what they would rather do if they weren't out there. I had never thought of what a personal question that must be to them, to have to remember back to their childhood (but most of the girls are still children anyway!) to the dreams they used to have.

When life has become such a mess, those dreams get pushed as far out of your head as possible so as not to hope for things that seem untouchable. It made me sad to think of these girls who at one point did have dreams, possibly to be doctors, lawyers, astronauts... and now they find themselves, working for a 'boyfriend' who doesn't really love them and doing things they never thought they would do. Holding on to those dreams would only be torture.


I now sit here in my comfortable bedroom, reflecting on the night and on the dreams I had growing up. Sure, living in a beach house with my best friend as we do investigative journalism together never happened (wow the things kids come up with), but I can look back on those 'dreams' with fondness. And I can look forward to the future that I have when I see Christ in all His glory. And focusing on Him daily is what makes every day a day for Him and his purposes. It's even better than any dream I could have come up with! I want these girls to have that too.

Are You Qualified?

I finished reading Big God and I loved every bit of it. Here's how he ends it...

"Rahab was a prostitute, Noah was a drunk, Abraham was way too old, Isaac was a daydreamer, Jacob was a liar, Leah was ugly, Joseph was abused, Moses couldn't speak well, Gideon was afraid, Samson had long hair and was a womanizer, Jeremiah and Timothy were too young, David had an affair and was a murderer, Elijah was suicidal, Isaiah preached naked, Jonah ran from God, Naomi was a widow, Job went bankrupt, John the Baptist ate bugs, Peter denied Jesus, the disciples fell asleep while praying, Martha worried about everything, Mary Magdalene was demon possessed, the Samaritan woman was divorced many times, Zachaeus was too small, Paul was too religious, Timothy had an ulcer, and Lazarus was dead!"

Think your past makes you disqualified to be used by God? Think again ;)

This made me laugh...

and... that's all...

Mornings are Lovely!

When I was living in Simi, a group of us would get together on Wednesday mornings at 6AM to pray. It was so great! It was tough to get up that early but being able to start off the day praying with my brothers and sisters (followed by a yummy french toast breakfast at our favorite place!) was the best! On days that I didn't meet them for prayer, I still found myself getting up extra early to pray, read, and even sometimes made it to the gym for a boot camp class. I would go to bed early (or earlier than usual) but it was worth being able to spend the early hours of the day preparing for the day to come.

Now? Now I stay up way too late, half the time is wasted, the other half is being spent with Jesus (but he gets a very tired Jen at that point), and I barely wake up in time to get to work on time... sometimes on time... :/ and looking like this...



Until this morning! Woot! Last night I was tired by 10 so I went to bed and woke up EARLY today. It was so great! I got to do a lot more reading done than I usually do in the late hours of the night and I got to work feeling refreshed and ready to take on the day! No wonder Jesus would pray in the morning too... it really does make a difference ;)

It's a small victory for me. But a victory nonetheless!

"Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days." - Psalm 90:14

Sometimes Kids Smell

"The effect [James 1:27] has on me is to make me want to love like Jesus loved and not always be thinking of the earthly payoff. Face it. A few kids are cute, but most streets kids will be thankless, rude, dirty, diseased, scar-faced, shifty-eyed, lice-infested, suspicious, smelly, and have rotten teeth. If we minister mainly for the earthly payoff, we will burn out in a year.

Jesus did not say, "True religion is converting orphans." He did not say, "True religion is making orphans mature and successful adults." He said, "True religion is visiting orphans." Results are God's business alone. Obedience is ours by his grace. More specifically, by faith in future grace. Perhaps when we grasp this, we will be freed from our earthbound way of thinking and released to minister to the ones who are least likely to thank us." - John Piper, A Godward Life


I used this exact quote once before, but it came to my mind again...

First, because I am reading through James every day for this month and every time I get to 1:27, it hits me. Hard.


Secondly, because my world was slightly rocked last night and this quote from this book immediately popped into my head and I had to continually repeat it to myself as encouragement.

It was at my 4th-6th grade class at church. No they aren't orphans (well... most aren't) and no they aren't "thankless, rude, dirty, diseased, scar-faced, shifty-eyed, lice-infested, suspicious, smelly, and have rotten teeth"... at least not all the time ;) (I kid I kid!)

What made it come to me was that it was a rough night with them (It was one of the first times too that it was rough which is pretty good after almost 6 months of being in that class... right? Either way...) A big part of it could have been my attitude and that I was pretty tired from the day. But also, it had to do with the fact that they kept talking when they shouldn't, complaining when they were hungry, fighting over communion cups, complaining when they were thirsty, cutting each other off, complaining when they had to use the restroom, tattle-telling, etc, etc, etc. Oh! and did I mention they complained a lot?? I understand they are kids and I need to be gracious, but last night, I just wanted to RUN! What followed was the conscious reminder that I had just recommitted to another 6 months of children's ministry... all I could think was, "what HAVE I done??"

But then I thought of what Piper said. "If we minister mainly for the earthly payoff, we will burn out in a year... Results are God's business alone. Obedience is ours by his grace."

I had to keep in mind that I can't be ministering to these kids because I think they are cute and fun and smart and whatever else because there will be times when they are NOT cute and fun and smart. There will be times when I just want to throw them (perhaps even literally) back to their parents, wipe my hands, and walk away. But if I am ministering out of obedience and because this is where God has me, then the motivation is different. I will take the complaining, fighting, and disrespectful attitudes with a better attitude because I won't be doing it to make myself feel good. I will be doing it because God loves it when we love His little ones.


Funny thing about all of it (maybe not "funny haha" though) is that I have been convinced my whole life that I DO NOT have the gift of teaching. I almost majored in math in college but opted out of that because I thought that meant I would have to teach math. So I chose accounting (did I make the right decision?? Hmmm...) I have built my life around (or so I thought) avoiding the role of teacher.

And yet, here I am. God asked me to teach. I warned him too... "Lord you know that's not my gift. But fine fine! I will do it! Sheesh!" (Yes... my attitude really does stink that bad sometimes.)

The most AMAZING part about that though is that while I still don't think it's my 'gift' and that I am still not very good at it, when we are obedient and do what God asks, God imparts the skills to us WHEN we need it. The fact that I can even hold the attention of 15 kids for more than 5 minutes is a miracle to me! And ALL the Glory goes to Him for it! Crazy how the very thing I never thought I could do God has equipped me when I finally took that step of faith and let Him use me!

So lesson of the weekend? Be obedient. Love the kids no matter how scary that is. And? Stop questioning!

"God doesn’t promise us understanding. He promises us peace beyond understanding. Trust more, question less." – Britt Merrick

When My Heart is Faint...

"Hear my cry, O God,
listen to my prayer;
from the end of the earth I call to you
when my heart is faint.
Lead me to the rock
that is higher than I,
for you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the enemy." - Psalm 61:1-3


I feel like I have been surrounded by a lot of pain and death lately.

A couple weeks ago, I had two coworkers lose their mom, one coworker lost her brother (the second brother of hers to die in the last few months), and then another coworker was in the hospital with a blood clot in his lungs. This all happened within days of each other. That same week I had received an email from my good friend in New Mexico to pray for a friend of hers with cancer and for a newborn who had little chances of living long.

In the midst of all that, I had learned of the bombings in Uganda. My friend Lena is in Uganda and turns out the little restaurant that was bombed was one of her favorite places to go to. If it weren't for a head cold, she would have been there that night. I have never been so thankful for head colds!

And then of course there is Daisy. A sweet little 6 year old who had been struggling with cancer this last year. As of a few months ago she was cancer free, but just within the last couple weeks, it came back full force. She is now going through chemotherapy and is down to 36 pounds. She can hardly keep food down anymore.

Additionally, as of last night, there have been three fires in our area. One even less than ten miles from my house. People are losing their homes.


This isn't to be depressing or to be morbid. This is just life. Sometimes everything is beautiful and there couldn't be one complaint. Other times, like now, it seems like everything is crashing down around us and there is nothing we can do about it.

Or is there?

Daisy's father, Britt Merrick who is a pastor in Carpenteria, wrote a book called "Big God." Neglecting all my other book commitments, I decided last night I needed to read it. A father who watches his daughter suffer and all the while writes a book about how big and amazing our God is? That's worth my attention.

Here's what he says:

"When crisis hits, where do your heart and mind turn to? What do you do as a Christian when the doctor tells you that your five-year-old daughter has cancer? How do you deal with that? If you're a Christian, your mind goes to Jesus. That's just where you go."

We run to Jesus. We run to His Word. We run to His Word because we already have it hidden in our hearts...

"Precepts and passages came quickly. And we didn't even have to open a Bible. We didn't need someone to come along and quote Scripture to us. It was just there, because we had done one simple thing in life: we had committed to reading our Bibles...

"Have it in your heart and have it in your head. Let the Word of Christ dwell richly in you. Because when someone looks you in the eyes and says your five-year-old has [cancer]... you better know some Bible."


Thank you Jesus for your word! "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." (Psalm 119:105)

I thank you that when my heart is faint, "you keep count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle." (Psalm 56:8)

I thank you that "as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are YOUR ways higher than my ways and YOUR thoughts than my thoughts." (Isaiah 55:9)

and I thank you that we can "count it all joy when we meet trials of various of kinds, for testing of our faith produces steadfastness... that we may be lacking in nothing." (James 1:2-4) I lack in nothing with you Lord!